The Long Lost Mixtape - Episode 6: The Pain is in the Details

When was the last time you had a delicious thought? A thought you couldn't stop thinking about? Something that you could just sit and think about all day? A thought so interesting and provoking that you'd be willing turn off your phone, disconnect from the world, and just sit and think.

I couldn't think of one.

A silly mental exercise but it got me thinking - am I bored with my own thoughts? Maybe.

Or maybe I just haven't noticed the world around me. The details make up the fiber of life. They are the fleshy tissue that holds this bag of bones together. The details turn a living into a life, and make a life worth living. That last sentence was a poor excuse for poetry, but today's song is not.

The song is "Sometime Around Midnight" by the Airborne Toxic Event. It is the second single from this American Indie darling's debut self titled LP. Give the song a listen before you read any further.

I've been trying to find other words to describe it but I'm stuck with what hopefully is not yet cliche; this song is as haunting as it is beautiful. According to sources (wikipedia),"The song is about a night when lead singer Mikel Jollet met a former girlfriend while out at a bar, during which he discovered that he still loved her. The entire band was present during this event. The lyrics to the song were written in isolation by Jollet over the course of the next three days."

So the song is a thinly vailed hypothetical. As if Mikel is still so heartbroken that he can't bring himself to admit that he himself is the subject. So hides behind the pronoun "you",  asking the listener to stand in his place and take his torture. 

Beginning with a wave of strings, the curtains part and the lights dim, leaving us with a simple Guitar and pairing playing simple complimenting melodies. All the while the drums tick away in the background constantly reminding us of the constant background of this song: the loss of time.

The song has a unique structure.

It doesn't follow a normal structure that so many popular songs follow. I.E.:

Verse

Chorus

Verse

Chorus

Interlude

Chorus 

Instead, it follows a loose pattern of couplets and tercets which follow a basic melody which repeats through the 5:04 runtime. These stanzas are focused less on placement in single looping melody and more about purpose in the story. Each loop begins with a couplet focused on story with the remainder of the loop dedicated to detail. If you remove that detail, the skeleton of the song looks like this:

And it starts

Sometime around midnight

As you stand
Under the bar lights

But you know
That she's watching

And so there's a change
In your emotions

Then she leaves

With someone you don't know

Then you walk

Under the streetlight

You just have to see her

You know that she'll break you in two

Short right? It's a simple story about heartbreak and a lost love. So why is the song powerful and unique? The couplets above are well written, sure. The music is great, true. But the Pain is in the Details. And the Pain is where the song hits home.

So, let's forget the basic story (the blue stanzas) and focus on the details (in orange), and see what juicy ideas we can glean from it.

And it starts

Sometime around midnight

Or at least that's when 

You lose yourself

For a minute or two

Ordinarily, midnight is a precise and unexceptional event that signals a new calendar date. The world at large is asleep and unappreciative of the shift. And with subtle placement, a normally quiet and exact setting is shrouded in a haze of uncertainty. The new sun has not yet risen to signify a new day. "Your story" as Mikel would say, begins in the liminal space before or after a major shift. And we can't be quite sure on which side we stand.

As you stand

Under the bar lights

And the band plays some song

About forgetting yourself for a while

A meta comment. The band lets us know they are still here, walking us through the points in the story and painting in the details for our understanding.

And the piano's this melancholy soundcheck

To her smile

Soundcheck is play-through or rehearsal in preparation for a performance. A signal that something is about to happen.

And that white dress she's wearing

You haven't seen her

For a while

It seems like a raw flow of consciousness. He sees her smile. He notices her dress. He remembers how long it has been.

But when I heard it for the first time it played out a little differently. Instead, I heard "You haven't seen IT for a while." Instead, the object is the dress, not the woman. The white dress is a fairly obvious stand-in for a wedding dress. Perhaps from daydreams. Perhaps from actual plans for a wedding. This is the triggering thought that sets the story in motion.

But you know

That she's watching

She's laughing, She's turning

She's holding her tonic like a cross

Her actions are carefully choreographed. She has come prepared, armored in the white dress she knows he will remember. She laughs, she turns, all the while watching him, waiting to see how he will react. And to offset her offensive battle strategy, she holds her tonic like a cross to shield her from evil and or to camouflage her as 'distracted'.

Also, just a tonic. No mention of any alcohol is mentioned. Meaning, unlike her buzzed opponent, she is going into this war-dance completely focused and sober. One of many hints that this is much more than a random run-in with your ex a a bar.

The room's suddenly spinning

She walks up and asks how you are

While she is fully prepared for the encounter, he is not. He is buzzed, defensless and therefore out of step. So, even before she says a word, he is caught of guard.

So you can smell her perfume

You can see her lying naked in your arms

No more mention is given the conversation. He isn't concerned with listening or hearing (the sense most associated with communication) anymore. He is overcome by his sense of smell (an intimate sense often associated with memory) and sight (associated with interacting and orienting yourself with the world around you). In other words, Mikel is so taken a back, that he is leaning on his other senses to understand what is happening. All that said without actually saying anything.

This is the turning point.

And so there's a change

In your emotions

And all these memories come rushing

Like feral waves to your mind

One definition of 'Feral' from the Merriam Webster dictionary is; "Having escaped from domestication and become wild". In a way he has been set free from his relationship. But returning mentally to the relationship, he becomes even more wild.

Of the curl of your bodies

Like two perfect circles intwined

To perfect circles. Two rings. Wedding rings. Once again, that memory returns. He is free of the relationship, but not of the memories. And as a wild animal, his thoughts and feelings have devolved to become primitive and lustful.

And you feel hopeless and homeless

And lost in the haze of the wine

Hopeless and homeless and Lost. The grouping of these two words is genius. The problem with heartache is that your source of healing is now the source of pain. I think that is why so many who get dumped mention confusion as one of the stronger emotions they feel. The solution has become the problem. The broken hearted are left without a way to fix that which is broken.

Then she leaves

With someone you don't know

But she makes sure you saw her

She looks right at you and bolts

Her final move. Like a poisonous serpent, she surprised him, she stunned him and now she serves the killing blow; a single, striking glance before departing with someone, leaving him alone again. Her play was so perfect that he hasn't even made a single move.

As she walks out

Your blood boiling

Your stomach in ropes

Symptoms of a poisonous snake bite include: difficulty breathing, nausea, numbness, vomiting, blurred vision, and confusion. All these symptoms he'd probably be feeling after a hard night of drinking anyway. But this list also reads off like chapters in a book entitled 'The 6 Stages of a Broken Heart'. He has been poisoned both physically and emotionally.

Oh and your friends say what is it?

You look like you've seen a Ghost

In a way, he has. The Ghost of everything that was good in his life. We make so many plans in our lives and have so many daydreams. But once forgotten, we rarely have to face them again.

Then you walk

Under the streetlight

And you're too drunk to notice

That everyone's staring at you

Poisoned, he has escaped outside like a wounded animal. The adrenaline begins to flow.

You just don't care what you like 

The world is falling

Around you

You just have to see her

You just have to see her

You just have to see her

You just have to see her

One symptom I failed to mention earlier is salivation. Well, I'm no doctor, but I'm sure there is a reasonable explanation physiologically why you salivate after being poisoned. But poetically it makes perfect sense. Despite all the other painful symptoms, the final symptom is a thirst for more. An addiction. Love turned sour became venom. Venom when left to fester became a drug.

Now, he is out chasing ghosts out on the avenue. Driven by a need to go back, the need to revisit the happy memories. But like any drug it will leave you worse than before, just as the last line of the song leaves us.

You just have to see her

You know that she'll break you in two

End. No explanation. No Resolution. No friendly cartoon pig with a playful stutter saying "That's all folks!" Just a final guitar note ringing in our ears. The song ends just like the relationship must have; without closure. And we are left alone, feeling a little of what Mikel must have felt.

While the song is depressing, it is filled with great literary flavor. I hope that by reading through, you not only have some interesting things to think about but are a little more comfortable exploring delicious thoughts for yourself. Take time to enjoy thinking thoughts.

Thanks for reading, Good luck out there.

(For more songs by this band, I recommend their song "Girls in their summer dresses", found HERE)

Long Lost Mixtape - Mini: Symphonic Inspiration

Normally, I would start with some pseudo-philosophical question or thought which would catch your attention and serve as the framework around which I would describe a song. Not today. It is Friday. A perfectly natural reason to feel good. Odds are you feeling better today than you did yesterday. I know for me, waking up this morning was a little easier.

But for the days when waking up is just the first mistake in a series of painful actions, each progressively getting worse. Well I thought I'd help you with that.

The song is 'Light and Day' by the choral rock group The Polyphonic Spree. You may recognize the song. It was featured in an episode of scrubs and in the critically praised film 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'. [A side note about the band. When I say 'choral rock' it is more like 'symphonic rock'. The band has literally dozens of members. A harp player, a brass section, a small choir and yes, I'm sure they have someone playing the triangle too. But all the chaos of such a large group meshes seamlessly into the best example I can think of organized chaos].

This song is the sunlight of a beautiful brand new day captured in a jar and compressed into 3:03 minutes of music and it is impossible to not feel the warmth and optimism that radiates from it.

Normal 'pump-up tunes', like those we use at the gym to motivate ourselves, do so externally by creating an emotion or feeling which we adjust to feel. Light and Day is different. This song inspires from the inside. It reminds us of what it feels like to be our best self and propels us to feel and be that way again.

I keep this song in my back-pocket for mornings where the the day loom over me like a statistics tests followup up by an appointment for a root-canal. Just keep those words in your head:

"Follow the day and reach for the sun"

Thanks for reading. Good luck out there

Wednesday's Worrier: 10 Steps to Falling Apart

Welcome back to another edition and addition to the

WEDNESDAY WORRIER

My last post covered the song 'This is Gospel' by Panic at the Disco. A great song, but one line has been stuck in my head. This line, the final phrase of the Chorus - "The fear of falling apart" got me thinking. What is it like to "fall apart"? When have I "fallen apart". I mean they can only cancel Community so many times (never thought I would long to be back in a study group...)

After much thought and careful analysis of documents, photos and various social media posts from various stages of my life, I've been able to boil down the process of 'falling apart' into a very simple 10-step process by which the modern human being "falls apart". But why are we always talking about me? Let's talk about you. I know all about you. Your day was disappointing, wasn't it? Why? Let's find out

Your day begins after the fourth strike of the snooze button. Sure you've gotten up with enough time to get ready for work, school, whatever. And just enough extra time, maybe 20 extra minutes, to wander around your apartment thinking of some way to be productive.

Well first thing is first, you aren't going to get the workout in. That's ok. You'll stretch a little and that should take care of th- oh there you go, lying on the floor intending to do a couple sit-ups. But hey that's fine, check Instagram instead. That's a great way to Carpe the Diem.

You get to work late somehow. And of course the meeting started without you. As always, it was a super important meeting, just like every other meeting at 9:00am on a Wednesday. What happened to the passion for your work? What happened to the drive you had? What happened to the chicken tetrazzini you had in the fridge for lunch today? Oh wait, you ate it this morning as a snack.

Now, not only are you a one morning workout and a chicken tetrazzini behind on your fitness routine, but you are now going out to for lunch. Who else is going? Oh, it's that one weird guy from marketing who you can't seem to remember his name despite the fact that you email him at least twice a week for the budget reports. And of course Stacey from HR, who has a strong desire to start raising ferrets but just can't seem to bring herself to that level of commitment. You three are bound to have a thrilling conversation over a Fuji Apple Salad at Panera Bread. Your mind is split between the frustration that now your are over-budget on "eating out spending" this week and trying to correctly time sincere laughter at Stacey's story about, you guessed it, ferrets.

Back at your desk, more work. Great. The day is pretty much over. It wasn't horrible but that is precisely the point. It was purposeless. I was so boring you could have slept through the entirety of Wednesday, woken up Thursday morning and your life would have rolled on just the same as it always has. It was so uneventful that if you were accused of murder, you would not be able to account for your whereabouts at all. In-fact you are so bored with life, your subconscious mind would start making wild stories to try and convince you that actually committed murder just to get some form of entertainment out of the situation.

You put on your coat, grab your bag and head for the elevator. Your mind wanders as you reach the lobby of your office. The walls are beige, just like your life choices. Your begin to think about your childhood home. Saturday morning cartoons. Mr. Rogers. He was great, wasn't he? He always made you feel so great about yourself. He told you that you were a wonderful person, and always believed you could do great things. But wait, are you? No, not really. Then it hits you.

You aren't living up to the potential Mr. Rogers knew you had. The process of Falling Apart begins.

Step 1: The Poorly Timed Realization

The world has stopped turning. And despite the cars honking and whizzing around you, you can't move. You are Dumbstruck and dizzy When did my life get this way? How could you have let it go this far? What am I doing in the middle of the road? You finally reach the safety of the other side only to lean on a light-post for another 15 minutes. Just standing there, not knowing what to do or to say. People passing by notice. You look like you've seen a ghost. But it's worse, it's like the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future were on a tight schedule so all three came at once. Your balance slowly returns and you start on your way home. And amidst all this confusion, the corners of your mouth start to rise


Step 2: Uncontrollable Giggling

Wow, it's almost like a movie. And a second later, rain starts pouring down. No, it is a movie! Today could not get any worse. It is so bad that it is comically bad. Only a team of screen-writers could come up with this cacophony of bad timing. You start laughing to yourself in the rain. And you can't stop. It's hilarious. Your life is in shambles held together by a vacation you have planned 7 months from now and a surprisingly good credit score. All the way home parents change lanes so their kids don't see you laughing like a maniac to yourself in your car.


Step 3: Exhaustion

The laughter washes away as your reach your front door and all that weight you've been carrying in your soul has finally brought you to your knees. You are physically and emotionally drained. You don't even take off your shoes as you shed your coat and other items marking a path to the couch. You curl up in a ball in front of it. You are so tired you don't even have the strength to climb up onto the couch. And just before your eyes shut, you notice that your front door is wide open.


Step 4: Confusion

You awake in a pool of sweat and panic. What time is it? Where am I? Am I sure Ringo is my favorite Beatle? It's dark out and you think you slept all the way into early Thursday morning.  Have I wasted my entire evening? You had plans to clean the kitchen (if you felt like it). How are you ever supposed to get enough sleep to be fully rested for tomorrow?

Note: Most people suffering in Step 4 describe it as "You feel like the placeholder just slipped out of the Book of Your Life and fell into the narrow space between the fridge and counter". 

Your life is in chaos and now you don't even know where to begin. And at that moment you accidentally knock over a box of instant rice. It goes everywhere. That's ok, you tell yourself, I'll just sweep it up. But you realize that you threw out the old broom. You were going to pick up a new on your way home. You wrote it down on your to do list. How could you have forgotten? You have failed yourself once again. Tears start to form in your left eye. Then in your right. And so begins the next step.


Step 5: Ugly Crying. Lots of Ugly Crying

Yup.


Step 6: Thirst

You've laughed and cried (and sweated) more in the last 2 hours than you have in the past 2 months. Your mind is drained but so is your body. You need fluids. Wandering around your place, you start seeing mirages of cold and crisp ginger ale in tall frosty glasses. You waste valuable time and energy chasing after them until you reach the fridge. Nothing. Nothing but an empty Brita pitcher which now you have to fill and wait to filter. Why is the universe so cruel!? For a half second you consider putting it back in the fridge to let it cool, like a normal person. For a quarter of a second you consider grabbing a cup to drink out of, like a proper human being. But you are none of these things anymore. You have become a savage. You bring that spout up to your lips and drink straight from the pitcher.

Note: You won't remember this until you have dinner guests sitting at your table Saturday evening when you are pouring them a drink only to realize you have not washed it. What they don't know... well they don't know.

Note: Steps 5 and 6 can mesh together or form a cycle of one following the other for 3 - 5 stretches. Don't be alarmed this is completely normal.


Step 7: Burning Resolve

Freshly hydrated, adrenaline begins to burn through your veins down to your heart. You can fix this. You can turn your life around. Not can, WILL! You will turn your life around. Just like those motivational speech CD's your aunt gave you for Christmas, you are oblivious to the subtle hints life has for you, and there ain't no stopping you now! You are going to get in shape, Great Shape! You are going to learn Italian, Sei praticamente fluente! All you need now is a plan.


Step 8: Scheming 

You dig up the old paper planner that came with the motivational CD's. It is from 2012, but dates and days of the week don't change so this will work perfectly. You begin planning every aspect of your life. Plans have goals. Goals have plans. Back-up plans have back-up plans have back-up plans. And if you stay in step (which, how could you not with a resolve-of-steel like yours) you can plan your day down to the minute. It's perfect! It's genius! It's bringing me an odd sense of deja vu, but never mind that. But wait...hold on a second.


Step 9: The Fatal Flaw

You've over planned your life again. Haven't you? No schedule is that good. And in a quite literal puff of smoke, it will all go up sounding like this;

"That can't be right? A flaw? In the plan? One fatal flaw? No, no it can't be. Spin class was Tuesday evening, but that's at the same time as the improv club I wanted to join. That's ok, I can move it to Thursday, but wait, I promised Stacey I'd start volunteering at the animal shelter that day. Oh no, it's all falling apart! My life is over! Wasted! All gone! The cosmic horror is upon us all our heads!"

You will end up tearing your planner in half and sprinkling the shredded bits around the room. This , normally, would be a pretty impressive feat of strength considering it is half the size of a phone-book but you won't notice because "It's all over!" Your plans won't hold water and any attempt to change your life is futile and fatal. It's all over.


Step 10: Last Meal

Well, you had a good run. Sure, you made some mistakes, but it wasn't all that bad. And in retrospect, you can even laugh at some of it. And now here you sit, wearing an old Halloween costume, sitting in bed eating some obscure flavor of Halo Top, you don't even remember what it is, using Doritos as a spoon. You are watching Castaway on your laptop and this time you get it, your really get it. Wilson!

And now you fall asleep to never wake again. Just float into a blissful oblivion of cool-ranch induced dreams.  "Goodbye cruel world, I'll remember you, not as you were, but as I wished you were, like an episode of Community, where I was Jeff Winger leading a lovable band of misfits through the hijinks of community college life. Goodby-"

Thursday

You are awake. And what? It's 6:00am. You feel great. You get up, exercise, make it out the door on time for a stupendous day at work. You love your job and can't imagine giving it up for the world. Wow, Thursday was such a great day! All the while Wednesday remains a vague memory in the back of your mind. So why do you have the urge to watch college volleyball?


Thanks for reading, good luck out there

The Long Lost Mixtape - Episode 5: Gospel for the Panicked

I just started reading 'Resurrection' the final book written by the great Russian author, Leo Tolstoy. I would normally mention this to brag, but frankly, it is a deep and complex work and most of it is going over my head. Any attempt to show-case my intelligence would be an ironic mess.

For background, Tolstoy was a born into nobility. He served in the Russian army during the Crimean war. He was a devout Christian. His beliefs would become zealot-like in his twilight years. He would come to abhor private property, alienate himself from his own family and sacrifice his fortune to support a religious movement known as the Doukhobors. During this latter period in his life he would write Resurrection, his final novel, published in 1899.

'Resurrection' seems to mimic the transition in his beliefs. The plot focuses on a young Russian noble, Nekhlyudov, who trying to find redemption for his brief affair with Maslova, a young woman who's life as a result, would lead down a path to prostitution and eventually trial for murder.

While not the happiest tale ever told, the title of the work brings hope: Resurrection. The word is defined by Webster's Dictionary as "The rising again to life of all human dead before the final judgement." A physical change from dead to living. The spiritual form of this change is called 'redemption'. It is defined as 'the action of being saved from sin, error, or evil.' And it seems, the more fitting name for the story (as it has been set up thus far).

Despite religious beliefs or spiritual background, we are all human-beings. We are all fallible. Inherent in this imperfect nature we all have an inherent desire to repair mistakes, and overcome challenges. But real change is hard. And while you don't need a masterful piece of Russian literature to tell you, it requires patience. It takes time.

And most importantly it takes desire. Nothing exposes the core of a person quite like the honest realization and desire to change. And few songs capture this better than the subject of today's episode.

The song is "This is Gospel" from Panic at the Disco. It was released August 12, 2013 as the second single from the band's fourth Album "Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die!"

To be fully transparent, this episode was a challenge. Comparing the tales of redemption between that of Tolstoy and Panic at the Disco is quite the juxtaposition. But if we can all equate literary finesse with intense melodrama, I think the comparison works.

I would imagine the subject of the song fits into the same situation as the parabolic Prodigal Son. I am also going to assume that since this is an alt. rock jam, the song is focused on a failed romantic relationship.

This is Gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories

Without love, our subject becomes like the Emo Kids of 2006, dead, but only metaphorically. And like the dead and emo population, he possesses nothing but time to brood. In doing so he, like Tolstoy's Nekhlyudov, mulls over the history of his life, learning what he did wrong and what he can do to undo the heartache. Melodrama at its finest.

Oh, This is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, This is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart

At first, I thought this was a meaningless filler line. And frankly, it probably is. But I never understood the phrase "benefit of the doubt" so I gave the lines another brief think. These lines are a strong yet subtle emphasis. "This is the beat of my heart" can be translated to "This is who I have become." While not free of all melodrama, it is a sincere declaration of change. "I want to be better."

The gnashing death and criminal tongues conspire against the odds
But they haven't seen the best of us yet

As previously stated, the path of change is long and hard. It feels like the world is stacked against our subject (it wouldn't be a good story otherwise).

If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go

At first, I thought this was a demand to the former lover and object of this tale. But on a second take, it seemed almost self directed. It could be translated to "If I had any self respect, I would let the old me go." Another Christian euphemism to baptism, which itself is complex metaphor for death, rebirth and redemption.

'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours

Simply put: the stronger the pain, the stronger the resolve to avoid it again.

The fear, the fear of falling apart

This line is genius. So much so, I was strongly tempted to do a mini-episode just on this one line. But the whole song was too good to pass up. Usually, fear is often a very specific thing: the fear of heights, the fear of speaking in public. There is a tangible situation and condition associated. Personally, I am claustrophobic. I avoid small spaces. Simple. But abstract fears are described in very vague terms. The fear of failure, for instance, is hard to pin down. What constitutes failure?

The line: 'the fear of falling apart' captures both the specific and vague. Falling apart is a very specific sensation, usually a complete loss of emotional and mental control. I imagine myself crying in the shower wearing a suit and tie and eating chocolate cake by the fistful, while Enya plays gently in the background. Only hypothetically of course. But behind this breakdown, there is so much more. Falling apart is only the first step. There is fear of the aftermath, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of being alone, the fear of never finding your way back, the fear of the fear of remaining broken. The fear of your dry-clearner not being able to repair your suit and the fear that your favorite bakery won't be able to fill your orders anymore because you can only reserve so many specialty dutch chocolate cakes in a week. With one simple phrase, an undefinable blackhole of fear is captured and opened right in front of us. And without the decision and dedication to change, we will not triumph over the fear.

Change is scary. Redemption is hard. Renewal is painful. But it is worth it.

Good luck out there. Thanks for reading

Monday in History

Welcome back 

Monday, huh? Not your favorite day. But does it have to be so bad? Hasn't anything good ever happened on a day like today? Why don't we step back into a long neglected segment I like to call - 

-Monday in History-

November 20th:

On this day in 1815, France and Allies, led by the Napoleon Bonaparte, signed the Second Treaty of Paris. In February of that same year, Napoleon escaped from exile and regained power, a time period known as his 100 days of restored rule. 

Fearing this return, a coalition, led by the Duke of Wellington, defeated Napoleon at the battle of Waterloo. Shortly after, the Second Treaty of Paris was signed. Many of the tenants of this treaty were punitive in nature, demanding France pay heavy reparations for the cost of war and for measures to deter future conflict. 

Why is this important to you?

1. This treaty signified the ending of the Napoleonic wars. It was very influential in solidifying the boarders and identities of the nations involved, the impact of which we can still see today. One point in particular was emphasis placed on the neutral nature of Switzerland during the conflict.

2. Thanks to a little Swedish Magic, we also get one jazzy little tune out of it. Take it away ABBA

Thanks for reading. Good luck out there

Long Lost Mixtape - Mini: How I Wanted It to Feel.

Another mini episode. 

At least in my mind, Music is divided into 1. Words conveying a meaning and 2. Music carrying a message. To show this watch the clip below:

Now watch it again without sound. 

Less intense, right? Without the intense horror film score, the clip loses feeling and thus meaning. Sound signals emotion. Now, in the context of a song, words replace literal images with those we create from our own minds. This is one of the strengths of music. We are far better at creating those images in our own imaginations and memories than the artists themselves. This is one of the reasons books are so often superior to their film counterparts. And while it is easy for us to pair an emotion with a melody and an image with a lyric, it is far more difficult to do the reverse. This is why we refer to musicians as artists. Their job is to do just that: match a melody to an already existing feeling and words to an image.

This leads to one of the most gratifying phenomenon's in my life: Finding a song through which an artist has perfectly captured a feeling and paired it with the same precise image I had already created in my own mind. We've all been there to some degree. We've heard a song that felt specifically written for us. This has only happened a handful of times in my life, but here is the latest.

The song is "California Stars" By Wilco & Billy Bragg.

The lyric is "So I'd give this world just to dream a dream with you on our bed of California stars."

Not too long ago, I moved to a big city to work in an office with long, intense hours. It was a major lifestyle shift. An intense and rewarding experience. But at times it has been almost unbearable. I first heard this song sitting at my desk in the wee hours of a Wednesday having worked since the previous morning. I found myself alone in the dark, furious and frustrated at mistakes I had made. Then I remembered a colleague on my floor recommended this song to me. I turned it on and immediately had to hold back tears. The song flashed through my brain and pulled out dusty images and feelings that had been hidden behind the stress of work. I was in a gentler, warmer place. A warm ocean sunset in California, resting on soft sand. Just breathing. It was a beautiful moment. It was everything I had been yearning for. And I am grateful for that moment and for this song which continual takes me back.

Now I encourage you: Go find your own. Find a song that you feel was written with you in mind.

Thanks for reading. Good luck out there.

The Long Lost Mixtape - MINI: Not That Bad

If I had one wish for these posts it would be for people to listen to music with a stronger sensitivity to lyrics and how they mesh with music. The songs listed in these blurbs achieve success not only by conquering on both fronts but marrying the two together creating a complete feeling that grows into one multidementional emotion. But not all songs are wonderful for their lyrics. In many instances a song has wonderful music but terrible lyrics. Some only have a line or two worthy of note. In these mini episodes, I'm going to highlight a few lines or bars to show that flecks of genius can pop up anywhere.

The song is  Pompeii by Bastille.

The lyric is: "But if you close your eyes, does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?"

Please know that I love this song, and have many fond memories associated with it. So why this one?

The song itself is very well done, even lyrically. However this one line, from the chorus, far outshines  everything else.

In a post-pokemon-go world, We, the millennial generation is struggling with growing up. Our generation cringes at a history that fails to meet our standards of political correctness all the while obsessing in remakes of media we adored as children. Likewise, we don't know whether to achieve our dreams, just like our elementary school teachers told us to, or climb back into the metaphorical whom of our parents basements and wait out the storm of life to pass. Life is tough.

But Bastille takes a moment to slow down. Encourages us to close our eyes and really feel life. Ponder it over and drink it in. Are things that bad? Has the world turned upside-down? No. No it
hasn't. Life flows along and things are alright.

Good luck out there. Thanks for reading.

The Long Lost Mixtape - Episode 4: Faking it through Early November

So I totally forgot to do Part 2 of the Halloween episode, but don't worry it is coming. Since it is early November, this song was far too timely to pass up.

I genuinely like people. I really do. Remember that old quote "I've never met a man I didn't like"? That's from the American humorist and entertainer Will Rogers. (Technically he didn't say it or come up with it originally but that's there, not here. Regardless, he is full of great whit and wisdom and definitely worth looking up). I think the quote is incomplete. I would tweak it to read as follows:

"Give any person enough time and patience, and you'll never meet anyone you don't like."

If you give someone a chance to be funny, they will be funny. Let them show you how great a person they can be and that is who they will become it. Comedian Maria Bamford, in her genius comedy routine '20%', described the extreme version of this idea she calls the emotion 'Violently Positivity'. Having lived in the 'super positive city' of LA for some time, she would demand and force those around to her see their own potential and achieve it despite all rejections by that person (I promise the routine is funnier than I'm making it out to be).

On the flip side, I've been one of the most bitter people on the planet. For the longest time in my life, I have hated happy couples. It went beyond seeing a random happy couple on the street and hoping that they end the day on an uncomfortable argument about who's family is more unpleasant at Thanksgiving. I mean that I would anonymously write extremely inappropriate things in the guest books at weddings.

Some of my favorites include:

"The hardest decision any married couple makes is who gets to keep all the terrible marriage advice after the divorce."

"I'm sure you'd like to know the over/under on how long we think this thing is going to last, but trust me, you both have secrets that are even more pertinent and are going to win me a lot of money."

And my personal favorite:

"Stacey, I'm so sorry, I was wrong, I was wrong! I know that now, I was a fool! I know you'll never come back to me and I know I'll never be good enough but Not Him, you can't trust him! He's done things, unspeakable things! Oh why Stacey? Why? I can't live like this anymore! I can't bear it! I can't go on. I'm going to do it this time. I swear, I'm going to do it and no re-run of the Goonies is going to stop me!"

I hope everyone can understand and enjoy the far-fetched nature of comedy and realize I've never actually written any of those things, nor would I admit to writing them in a public sphere. But do you see what I mean? Two halves. All to eager to love and embrace and support. Then suddenly a bitterness bursts into life, destroying all that good sunshine we've been walking on. I don't like it. I hate being Mr. Hyde. I fear becoming a weak Dr. Jekyll who can't control the transformation.

So now, in Clint Eastwood fashion, we need to ask ourselves a question. Is it possible to fix this dichotomy? 

The song is "Hair" by the Early November. It is the fourth track on the second disc from their critically acclaimed three disc release, "The Mother, The Mechanic, and the Path". The album itself is worth an episode but all in good time. Let's begin.

Hello, how are you?

Like your shoes, love your hair

Hello, how are you?

Love that shirt, you look great

Hello, how are you?

Love your pants, and your smile

Hello, how are you?

How's your wife and your kids?

Hello, how are you?

Love that hat on your head

Hello, how are you?

Missed you so; it's nice to see ya

Friendly! Loving! positive! Showered with compliments! And yes, these are new Vans, thanks for noticing!

 It is a song that makes you want to walk down the sidewalk of your childhood home and plink a stick against those pearly-white picket fences. And more so, this song is concerned about you. Crazy, right? Well, not you, you, but the metaphorically you. In this first verse they greet us and ask all of us individually (at least six of us), "How are you?" There is concern and care.  The music video does this amazingly with a 1950's suburban broadway representation of how great life is and can be.

But isn't that great? I mean deep down, I think we all want to be happy and want others to be happy too, right? So what's up with the chorus? Let's examine.

All we have at the end of the day
Is the lonely road out

Dark turn down "Existentialist Crisis Lane" which feeds into that old cul-de-sac known as "the Mortality of Humanity". Odd and a bit uncomfortable. The same type of feeling my recently married friends will get when they open my wedding gift to them: a free session with the city's best marriage counselor. (Once again I didn't actually do that).

But why the turn?

All I know at the end of the day

Is the love to smile now, even if that's fake

I don't know if a song can have a thesis, or even if it should, but I don't know of a better example where a song does than here. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde meet. They greet one another and come to a mutual conclusion that they can coexist inside the same soul. Now I know what you are asking yourselves - "Where is he going with this?" Well, I'll tell you.

I can love a person enough to put on a fake smile and be happy for them in the moment, even when I clearly don't feel that way. This is the same when I tell a co-worker that "life's great despite this week from Hell". Because at my core I am happy, even though I don't feel particularly so in that moment, day or even week. It is because I have made my mind up to be so. And so has the Early November -

All I know is I'm done acting
And I'll be happy for your life, even if I hate it all

Call it a fake demeanor if you want, but despite the violent positivity and despite a super bubbly verse there is a genuine hope inside every human being. And we can use it to make those around us happy until we too find a reason to genuinely be happy too.

Thanks for reading, Good luck out there.

The Long Lost Mixtape - Episode 3: Halloween Special Part 1 - Motion City Lycanthrope

I love Halloween. And in honor of, this will be the first of a two part Halloween Special. And because the holiday seems to take on two flavors, the Horrific and the Fun, one part will be dedicated to each. Part 1 is for Horror.

The song is Disappear by Motion City Soundrack. Released October 19th 2009. It is the first single from their fourth studio album "My Dinosaur Life". A song of anger. It successfully twists frustration into body horror. In this song we get a little taste of what it must be like to become The Monster.

For this episode I'd like to have a little fun and use these lyrics to tell a story.

Imagine, you and your best friends from Motion City Soundtrack are on a fun autumn trek in the darling woods of their home state, Minnesota. Josh (Joshua Cain - lead guitarist, but of course you knew that because your are a huge fan and even bigger friend) notices a cave in a nearby hill. Justin (Justin Courtney Pierre - lead singer and hike leader) eagerly encourages all the team to explore it with him. Matt (Matthew Taylor - Bassman Bassman) is apprehensive and is the last one into the cave. About 20 yards in, the tunnel makes a sudden downward turn to the left. Following Justin, guided by only his voice and faint phone-light, you descend. Suddenly, the earth begins to moan. Let the song begin.

To the deep end. To the hard line

A rumble! The Earth shifts! A cave-in!

Earth falls behind you. Your exit is blocked. You are trapped! And every fear you had has been realized. Your heart starts to beat louder. We've crossed the hardline, into the part of the pool that our mothers forbade us from visiting. And I doubt we will find metaphorical floats at the bottom.

Hold it straight together, man
Hold it straight together if you can

"Hold it together!" Justing implores frantically.
Calm down? How are we going to get out of here? Or is Justin talking to himself?
Which is falling apart faster, the walls or us?

Little fevers's wrapped in medication
All strung out on novelty
Collapse yourself and try to comprehend

Panic immediately sets on the group. Tony (Anthony Thaxton - beloved drummer and horticulturalist) sobs quietly in the corner. Justin too is bent over not feeling well. In fact, he looks ill, green even. And he's mumbling something that sounds like a nursery rhyme... going on and on. But wait, was that a smile?

Why is he giggling?

An angry island
A bitter bee sting
Severing each artery
To free the self and fix the in-betweens

Jesse (Jesse Johnson - the man with all the keys and boards) trys to calm and organize the group. He begins stating we need to conserve oxygen. All the while, Justin's laugh grows deep in his belly. The nursery rhyme becomes a limerick about mice in a trap and a large cat about to eat them.

We didn't stumble upon this cave at all, did we Justin? The plot thickens as He begins a twisted story about what he calls his "beautiful transformation": On tour in a distant land, a seemingly harmless insect-sting has left him ill. His his face begins to shift and his eyes begin to glow.

Isolation, mark the earth around you
Guess who's on the waiting list
I'll let you in on something secret

The cave is now a den. As a predator claiming his corner, Justin crouches and begins his transformation. Horrific screams fill the den as he begins shedding. Skin falls to the cave floor, leaving scales and fur covering his body. Claws replace fingernails and fangs for teeth.

You and the rest of the band become trapped sailors in a sinking submarine, clawing up the walls for escape. Your own screams are drowned out by the the howl of the beast just feet from you. You are trapped. It bows down on all fours. And just before it strikes -

You wake up.

Turns out you fell asleep waiting for Stranger Things season 2 with your horror playlist on and you missed the premier. Now you are at least 12 hours behind everyone else in your Netflix references and social media is full of "OMG did you guess that _______? #strangerthings2"

You are so frustrated that you clench your fists. The anger is almost boiling over. Your eye begins to twitch. Then suddenly, the high screeching vocals of Justin flood back into your head. You too are sloughing off your humanity. You bow down on all fours as the the chorus rings out.

I can disappear
Anytime I want to, time I feel you
Shuffle through my skin
I am with you to the end

I can decompose
When it suits me I accelerate it
Wicked on all fours
I surrender to the storm

You too have a monster inside you, thrashing, looking for a place to haunt. And like a threat, you let the world know (in the form of a tweet you just posted) that at anytime, if you so much as feel a whisper of a Stranger Things spoiler, you will give into your rage, shed your human form, and become the wicked Demogorgon releasing Hell on Hawkins.  

But hey, turns out all your Saturday plans just got canceled. Sweet! Time to stay home, watch season 2 and do eat Doritos that just fell on the floor.

Happy Halloween (Part 1...)

The Long Lost Mix Tape - Episode 2: Green Day - Regress, Regret & Repeat

I steal pens. I'll admit that. At a coworker's desk, making edits on something that will ultimately not be needed or looked at. I'll grab one of their pens to make a note and walk off in a malaise of absent-minded theft. Not to far down the hall, I reach a distance I refer to as the PoFR - Point of Foolish Return. This is the physiological distance where the level of embarrassment felt upon returning the pen begins to outweigh the moral regard held for another's property. Thus, I have gone too far to walk back and return the pen. I will continue on my way as if nothing happened.

The reverse is quite the opposite. When that same coworker walks off with one of my pens, they've immediately become a thief in my eyes. And it will take some time to either forget their offense or use my imagination to craft an elaborate revenge heist using nothing but office supplies.

This is a loop. Pens pass between desks like electrical pulses in the brain carried by unfeeling neurotransmitters. Here I have trapped myself in a downward cycle: I am either furious at another's simple mistake or indifferent to my own. What once was "just a pen man, relax!" becomes a defamation of my existance and cause for one way war in my head. Why? I am right until I am wrong. And no one likes being wrong. Denial keeps us safe and perpetuates the problem. But what happens when we can no longer deny ourselves the truth? Let's ask Green Day.

The song is Redundant. The fourth track on Green Day's Nimrod and released as a single May 26, 1998. If you haven't heard this one, it is mostly likely that you were busy listening to its older brother; "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)".

For scientific purpose I decided to listen to the song. On loop. For 3 hours. It was a strange feeling, having appreciation and annoyance for something grow simultaneously in your mind. I want to focus on just the second chorus and verse (starting at 1:05).

Choreographed and lack of passion

I live most of my life in set procedure, all founded on my morning routine. And while I've never gotten any type of enjoyment out of brushing my teeth, I am still rattled when I cannot remember anything about the morning at the arrival of night. They go by. choreographed. And as the days reset, they too become a loop. 

Prototypes of what we were

Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous

Now, if we can turn lathering and rinsing into a meaningless loop, what about love? 

This song was written by frontman Billie Joe Armstrong in the wake of a rough marital period with his wife Adrienne Armstrong. In this light, these lyrics become something much more. In so many relationships things become stagnant. Passions neglected become passions eroded. As the gloss wears off, edges become jagged and mistakes become attacks. Be it with a lover, friend, roommate or whoever; emotions become tender. And the only words that make any sense are "I'm sick of this!". The loop of routine has figuratively made the soul ill and the symptoms are spreading.

Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous

Taken for granted now

I waste it, faked it, ate it, now I hate it

(Mondegreen Note: a mondegreen according to Wikipedia, "is a mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase... and in a way that gives it a new meaning. "When I originally heard this song I thought the words were: "Wasted, faded, hated, now I hate it" which I felt work just as well)

I love these lines. They reflect why I love punk so much. Call it whatever. Simple, clumsy, clever but most of all honest. No doubt. This guy is just that. A guy dealing with the same life looping problem we all have. And with these two lines, that loop narrows and tightens until it chokes. The disease is taking hold.

'Cause I cannot speak, I lost my voice

I'm speechless and redundant

'Cause I love you's not enough

I'm lost for words

The loop breaks to a horrifying realization. The one sentence in language that should mean more than anything: "I love you", now means nothing. Worse, it means nothing to the most important person in the world. And No, it is not yourself. And with these meaningless words, the disease claims another victim.

You've probably noticed, the melody and music video mimic the lyrics. They repeat. They loop. Just like we do. We walk in circles chanting plans to change. To be better.  What kills our ambitions? Maybe it is that we don't truly have any. I don't believe that. Maybe we are lazy, scared. Why can't I simply overcome? I don't know. I've been searching for a solution, but always end up back where I started. Wish I had something to write that down with.

Thanks for reading. I hope you got something out of it.

Carpe Diem

The Long Lost Mixtape - Episode 1: A Life Wasted by Radiohead

Welcome to a new segment. Let's explore some music.

And why start small when we can throw ourselves, free of floaties, into the metaphorical deep-end with the most acclaimed musical weirdo's of the modern era: Radiohead.

One of the most divisive bands of their age, and beyond categorization. Founded in 1985, the band has consistently produced creative music that has been both critically and commercially successful (although not always hand in hand) and become a "critical darling". Doing all this without changing their line-up or changing producers or cover artists. It is said that "Radiohead is either your favorite band, or you have some level of indifference toward them." In other words: if you truly into music, you had better listen to some Radiohead.

In fact, it is worth your time to learn a little about them on your own. Wikipedia article here:

Anyway, I was inspired by a story from a 2009 Rollingstone article by Daniel Kreps. He describes Miley Cyrus being turned down in her pre-Grammy's meet & greet request backstage. Apparently Thom Yorke, the band's frontman is rather shy and wasn't interested despite Cyrus being a huge fan. "We don't really want to do that.", were Thom's words. Not surprised to say, she is no longer. This story is a metaphor for what I hope to do with this segment. Simply, and politely, reject the majority of music as produced today. Not all. The Majority.

So in honor of such a cool move by the band, let's Get Started. Links are provided

The song is "Fake Platic Trees". The lyrics, a few choice lines from the second verse.

The song appears on the 1995 album "The Bends". Other suggested songs from the Album: "High and Dry". An acoustic version also appears on the soundtrack for the film Clueless (which is ironically perfect and perfectly Ironic for that particular film)

The song opens on a basic acoustic guitar chords which are shortly joined with Thom Yorke's high pitched vocals. They are equal parts awkward and angelic. As the song builds in meaning and composition through chorus and verse transition, exploring an artificial world of plastic people. In doing so we stumble upon these three lines.

He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

In this piece, I want to focus on just these three lines. Describing a plastic man, in a plastic relationship with a plastic woman. A plastic surgeon quite literally transforming the physical composition of his patients to match the mental and emotional:"plastic". Plastic is molded, it can bend, twist, melt.

But he used to. He used to do surgery. He no longer does. He has become brittle, like plastic. He, like the women he has helped to preserve, has failed in his attempts. Their desire to maintain the fleeting physical nature of human kind has been wasted. The slow press of gravity is breaking them. Just like his own life's work.

And the following chorus, much like the first:

It wears him out
It wears him out

Repeated twice again. 

The song is an obvious criticism of the consumerism, fashion, and superficial nature of the modern world. However, I think Radiohead has unlocked something deeper, more elemental. A struggle that is as important as it is overlooked. The very pursuit of maintaining "that which has no value". Or rather the artificial life, focused on self-serving pleasure, void of struggle or sacrifice.  The sense of self is based on values created in a sea of external subjective opinion. These change with and against fashion and break down with time. A somewhat classic story in many philosophies, especially religious ones. Focusing the fleeting aspects of life, leaves an individual at the end of life empty, having lived an unfulfilled life. Empty, brittle and worn out. Plastic.

In three or four lines lines, Radiohead has forced the listener to answer a future retrospective question; which is worse: the wasted life or wasting away?

This struggle leads to question that are the foundation of deep millennial anxieties. These plagues of meaning are often only cosmetically camouflaged under the guise of what was "YOLO" and now "FOMO". It is easier to ignore than address. In Blink-182's most recent album California, the lead single "Bored to Death" co-penned by guitarist newcomer Matt Skiba. Passing out of a difficult season of life, in an interview NME, Skiba explained the the words Bored to Death were"easier to say than I'm hurt". Bored is not hurt, but we better to make fun of "the fear" than acknowledge it. Why should we? We are perfect and we're gonna die young. How can you live a wasted life with that attitude? It is easy to have your cake and eat it too, if you never stop to wonder where the cake comes from. 

Strip me of my choices, who am I?

Strip me of the world I created for myself, how am I?

Strip me of my connections, what am I?

Strip me of my life, where am I?

This song was written over ten years ago and is more relevant than ever. It is still a great listen. It borders the beautiful and the prophetic. Go listen to the whole song, it is more crafted than written and made for anyone who is wondering about something. 

I hope you enjoy, and I sincerely hope you learn something.

Carpe Diem

Mint & Basil

At the dentist this morning I realized that no historian has ever offered a generally known and accepted answer to why we use Mint as the standard for a clean mouth. My guess would be that in 1787, a wise old gypsy healer in northern Romania was asked to help cure a young child's chronic pain from tooth decay. The healer turned to her cupboards only to find the only herb she had left was mint. And from old country, across the world, it spread and now is controlled by Unilever, Crest, and the other major toiletry brands which are in turn controlled by the Illuminati which are in turn controlled by the Screen Actors Guild.

But Imagine a world where that old healer grabbed Basil instead. The aftermath would have been disastrous for dental health across the world and the complete collapse of the  Italian cuisine industry. A world with no Olive Garden. Spaghetti Bolognese seasoned with mint...

I hate how hipsters made trying to look uncool in order to look cool seem cool, up until it became uncool again.

Tax Return Ideas

In the event you haven't already blown your tax return by now (it is June after all), here is an idea on what you can do with it

Invest.

Now I know what you are thinking - Stocks are stupid, Bitcoins aren't real and real estate is just dirt. How about non-traditional investing. For instance, my newest plan is invest in medium sized carpets, large black plastic garbage bags and red food coloring. Simply spill the coloring onto the rug, wrap it in the plastic bag and make sure just a little of the red is dripping out when you carry it down your stairwell. Do this once a month on the full moon and make sure you make eye contact but offer no explanation to anyone who you come across while doing it. Now, stop paying rent for four months and one day, abandon the place along with all your stuff. No one will ask question and you will have saved on four months rent (minus supplies).