I am working on some Stand-Up Comedy. These are just 4 bits I have been writing. Please comment and let me know which was your favorite, and which needs work. Thanks
1) I am studying finance. One thing you need to know about the
business school is that Internships are everything. I you get a bad internship;
you had better not tell anyone about it. Telling your peers and friends about
you bad internships is like a young woman introducing her boyfriend and he’s a
totally ugly, pale, acne infested tool. You know exactly what her friends will
be saying. They won’t even bother thinking it, it goes straight to words,
“Where did you get him?” And that poor girl is so embarrassed, while her
boyfriend is like, “Let’s go Jamie, we’ve got work to do. You are lucky that I
even pay you to be with me. You had better be grateful for me. Without me you’d
be nothing. Now go get me lunch and file this paperwork.” “Don’t disappoint me
or I’ll tell every guy in the business.” If you get those jokes you really need
to start hanging out with non-business majors. Frankly I find business to be
the same jungle as dating. However it is easier to declare bankruptcy than it
is to be better looking so point to business.
2) Failing to wave at the person who let you merge into their
lane should be a felony; a misdemeanor at the very least. I say their lane
because that is not only how everyone on this planet drives but because it is
the truth. I am not just in this lane, I own it, and all that I can see in
front of me and through my mirrors is not mine. If you would like to enter my
long and winding kingdom, I expect you to blinker, no blink. To all the jerks
who feel that spending 10,000 to make you Honda go a bit faster gives you a
passport to enter and leave the Lane states as you please, you are sorely
mistaken. And believe you me; my middle finger will and car horn enforces
border restrictions.
3) Ordering food from a place you have never been is a chore. You
know why? Because you only order the same thing. At new places there is no same
thing. Here is a fun thing you can do at “new” places. Say ,“I’ll take the
usual.” Obviously, they will respond by saying what is that? This is where you
say, “bring me what you think my usual order would be.” And I hope you are in a
drastic complaining mood for this. So when you waiter brings your food,
claiming he is a racist cow. “How dare you think I am an old Asian woman? Miso
soup and a spread of sushi. And you didn’t even bring Kim Chi!” Ironically Kim
chi is Korean. There must be someone out there who is reading this who is
thinking, my grandfather would kick the crap out of him right now. That person
is either Asian, or his grandfather would be offended, or his grandfather
fought in Japan, Korea, or Vietnam and has dementia and would go into a dream
of being back in the war and go medieval on me. Or it could be both. This works
well for any type of restaurant, and for any ethnicity. That is unless you are
black and go to KFC. The nice thing about white people is that we have no good
food. I can claim racism wherever I go. That is except for the wonder-bread
factory.
4) I was recently had the pleasure of telling my mother that I
was sick. I know, always a good time. Her response completely depends on her
mood. Obviously if she is feeling good, she is insistent that you cancel plans,
lie down and treat myself like a king, and make some chicken soup. Why is it
always chicken soup? I would laugh so hard if the cure to cancer was chicken
soup. Some doctor comes out and says, “A mother’s love and bowl of Campbell’s
are essence a miracle drug. We have cured the common cold, cancer, boo boo’s,
the broken heart, and road rage. Saltines are ironically the fastest way to dry
your mouth out and give you constipation. But my Mom will tell me to be nice to
myself.
Now if I catch her in a bad mood- I tell you what, there is
nothing that makes me want to throw my covers off, blow my nose, clear the
phlegm of a thousand sick days, and go run a marathon is my mother telling me
I’m an idiot for being sick. “Why the Heck would you get sick? You know as a
child you were always getting sick and you could have died if it wasn’t for me
nursing you back to health” You know mom, I almost wish you hadn’t, that way we
both would have been spared this conversation. Because I obviously planned to
be sick in the middle of December, just long enough to hate the holidays.
This is why whenever I start feeling a little under the weather;
I send my mom a box of chocolates. When I get a call or text from her saying
that she got them, I just go to town. I don’t wash my hands. I stop bathing; I
just do anything and everything to get sick. I go to the hospital and just walk
down the halls. Many of you right now are thinking this guy is disgusting. Yes,
but strategically planning for sickness is much better than a cold with an
angry mother.
