MicroComedy: Idioms is awfully close to Idiots

Some Idioms in the english language just don't work for me like others do...

For example: "Put on a shirt and come outside." This can mean, "Put on clothes more presentable than what you are wearing."

For me, this is taken literally: "I'm going to need to put on pants too, after a shower."

I'll have my revenge, Jamie! I'm coming for you!

When you find yourself in an awkward conversation- Not awkward....what is the word

The "why am I still here, listening to this" Conversation (you are too busy to feel uncomfortable)

We've all been there. Forgot her name? Bad teeth? For once in your life "I'm in a hurry" is a legitimate excuse? Hemorrhoids acting up?

What we all seem to think that our behavior will end the conversation. After years of testing, I've finally come to the conclusion that the shuffling of feet really doesn't convey any sort of message, let alone one with the urgency you need.  What we need to change is our conversation, not our behavior.

Let me explain,

Jamie from Bio 202 doesn't realize that you don't know that "tool", Kevin, nor do you care to see his pic. he posted with ex from "that one party" on Friday. But don't you worry, she'll fill you in. She has already ruined your wednesday afternoon lab, and you NEED to get back to Netflix. And frankly, you've been more intrigued by that copy 'Diabetes Monthly' you picked up to keep your mind off the bunion surgery for which you are waiting.  The thought comes to mind, "Kevin probably is a tool anyway." So you should be glad he is mostly likely back with his ex who is as emotionally unstable as she is on that pair of heels she spent $346.25 on (at that really cool boutique on fifth and Smithson). They deserve each other as well as all the comically beautiful fights that will ensue in their relationship.

But Jamie keeps on talking talking talking, and yet ironically hasn't looked up from her phone.
Now is your time to strike: by changing the conversation you can kill not only this conversation, but all the chats which will most certainly come for the rest of the semester. Don't act awkward. The awkward is coming from Jamie, or Kevin, or whoever is still talking. It is all about subject, not action.

Here are some examples I've either tried or just entertain myself with them on a bad day, 

 This is where you can be creative. I encourage you to learn from my methods, and expand on them.

Method 1: We've all tried to comfort someone who is crying, haven't we?

This works best after good crying practice. I recommend watching any show focused on a hospital, and staying up really late for 2 nights and eating gummy bears (don't ask, it works). Then when Jamie complains about her cross-fit trainer, Saundra, you can just stop, stair into the distance and let a single tear slide down your cheek. She'll be caught off guard (Instagram has probably deleted her understanding of emotions, so for her understanding, you can compare how you feel to an emoticon).

But when she asks why you are crying, you need a good story. I usually stick with baby ducks. Simple. Easy. Classic. Say this "a baby duck got lost in my yard when I was a kid. I named it Saundra. My brother hit it with his car." (Pause for 4 seconds, or however long it takes to get another tear or two in), then whisper "Life is a dark place." At this point you will be tempted put your head down and fake cry: DON'T. If you do she'll try and comfort you- bad mistake. If she attempts to comfort you that is on giant leap toward actually becoming friends! You'll be sucked down that whirlpool where there is no return. Don't let her make eye contact either or she will for sure  feel obligated to follow you on twitter and you will now be forced to see her posts with Kevin and Saundra and her other #BFFS #hotstuff. Just keep staring into the distance and do not acknowledge her (or him, this could/should/would be a dude for all I know). AND DONE.

People don't like having conversations with the "emotionally unstable"(But aren't we all?!). However, the truth is that if you have the balls to pull off a stunt like that, you are, by definition, more sane than anyone on pinterest (it is true, read the terms of use- it's in there).

Method 2: No one likes toenail clippings.

Enough Said.

Method 3: Remember how  great aunt Gladys is such a hoot?

Neither did we, but Jamie doesn't know that, and science can't explain why she is still alive, right? Bring her into Bio 202 for an impromptu show and tell. Not only could you get extra credit for bringing in a prime example of tissue decay, but you can assume that Jamie would love to talk with aunt Gladys. Make sure that you introduce Jamie saying "Hey Aunt Gladys, this is Jamie, that girl I was telling you about, remember? of course you don't, she's the one that hates Ronald Reagan." Stand back, smile, and just watch the battle begin.

Note: This also applies for a history class. Just make sure that you bring her in for a chapter that aunt Gladys can recall well- I usually go with the Civil War. Just don't ask which side she was on. 

Here are three. Let me know what you think.