Women

Here is another story...

It has taken 23 years but I think I have finally figured it out. The question,"Why are women always dissatisfied with the current temperature?"

The answer is simple really. I discovered it while on a car ride with a female friend of mine. It was cold in the car I will admit that. Our conversation had shifted from something current which is now insignificant to the events of her day. If frustration she told me about events which wouldn't normally bother anyone. However, things like class being canceled, were out of her control and had destroyed her plans of operation. Just then she simply leaned over and changed the air-conditioning knob to full heat. Without even acknowledging what she had done, she insulted the driver by taking control of the cockpit: the place where a man can feel powerful behind an engine which the capability of doing all the stunts seen in the borne films.

But then it hit me. She doesn't care about the temperature. The cool air would have felt great now that she is hot under the collar talking about her problems. She wants control. That is all women ever want when they change the car temperature or the AC in the apartment. All those "scientific studies" about a woman's body chemistry being different from a man's, just a wide-spread lie to give women another chance at controlling the little things. Notice how women will change the temperature up and down and back again? They are simply bored. They need control, especially of your attention.

I also believe this is explains the origin of the word 'woman'. In the beginning there was God. He created Adam. Adam was chilling in the Garden of eden with his animal friends. Things were lovely. All you can eat organic buffet, no illness, and not a care in the world. Then one day, another type of man came along. This creature was different. (In what way, if you don't know that why are you reading this?) To all the animals and plants and things, Adam was known as simply 'The Man, Adam'. But when this other man, [who women call Eve because it sounds more pleasant and they want control over naming rights (which is also why the usually get the last say on what to name a child)], came along, the animals would flee. They would scream something like, "Woah! the other man is coming!". The phrase was eventually shortened to simply, "Woah-Man!" Eventually, the animal population was almost entirely decimated, having been turned into fur coats, shoes, and high price sushi. Trees became shopping malls, and exclusive boutiques. The only thing left sacred in the garden was a lone apple tree, (which in fact held the power to give man the ability to understand right and wrong). Eve, as she was now known, felt that apples must be high in anti-toxins (or so the magazine said) so she would eat the apples. But first she would get adam to bite into one, because, yeah right she would eat an unripe apple. God, having been so disappointed  by Adam, for having gone with this so long, kicked him out.

The End

Another Bunch of Jokes

Thanks for reading, 

A girl sitting near me in the food court just spent the last few minutes talking about how she gave up soda. She said she feels great. Ironically that is the way I feel when I drink soda. I am a religious person and I have seen faith help and change people for the better. However, respect and tolerance of others (which Ironically includes their beliefs) is a blessing to all, and is necessary for society to function. Which is why I write this post.

Vegans and Vegetarians- Please tone it down.

There are many religious fanatics who commit terrible crimes of humanity, and disturb society in general. All too often this extremely small minority is blown out of proportion.

Health Nuts on the other hand go uncontrolled and unmonitored. This is why I am convinced the NSA should begin watching any and every person who has made a financial transaction at whole foods.

If potted herbs didn’t cost so much, maybe the dread-locked peoples walking in could afford soap.

Whole foods has the greatest business strategy ever. Price is inversely proportional to the amount the average person knows about the item. Something like bread starts at like what 8 bucks? Ya it’s bread, but you aren’t trash, you are paying for all 14 grains, only two of which are native to north America, and one which only grows on a small valley in southern Peru, and can only be harvested by the local tribes matriarchal leader, who then financial supports the rest of the tribe. And trust me on this one, it is on the label. I don’t even go into whole foods to buy. The labels are their packaging (which is made from recycled organic plastic) are the best. They are the only labels that are more entertaining than potential side effects for weight loss products. You have to use your imagination.

I love the people that go into whole foods. The Neo-Hippy. They have two kinds. The kind which are…well kind, and the brand which are doing it simply because they want to be different in a better way. I love the first group. They simply like what they do and they do it. The other group seems to do everything they do simply to make me feel like I am dirt, which ironically is how their food tastes.

More Jokes

Ideas which my lead to longer bits

Why the nicknames of muscles are so depressing-

Obloquies-  Oh Bleak- because that’s how it feels every time I’m go to the gym. Why can’t they call them goals? “Hey Davis, your goals are looking great!” Or accomplishments, “Nice accomplishments!” I would start steroids immediately.

Lats sound like late to me. Like- it’s too late to save your body image now.

I make the mistake of wanting to be overly friendly at the store. It is hard to start a perky conversation with people in the yogurt aisle. But I still feel like I want to. I lean over to the clearly shut in woman who stopped taking care of herself years ago saying “generic huh, good choice. Greek yogurt isn’t worth the extra 12 cents.” And for once in her life, this deranged person has met someone stranger than her. And she thinks to herself, “Now I know how they feel, but I can’t explain it to them. I'll just have to tell the spiders under my skin. They usually enjoy stories like this.” And those spiders are probably like, "not again! she just goes on and on about those people she 'meets' at the store..."

I think I’m not going into the medical field. This is because I am not good with small talk. I would make the worst OBGYN. A normal person would be totally professional with the situation, and focus on the medical condition at hand. This woman is about to experience the most excruciating and beautiful experience of her life, and all I can think about is the chest burster scene from alien. I think birth is such a wonderful thing, and I would hate to ruin it with awkward small talk like, I turn to the couple and ask, “so how is your relationship going?” Not the time or the place. 

More Comedy

Ideas for Stand-Up

Sure, heaven is going to be great. However, I don’t think it is necessary to daydream about heaven. You know? I feel like heaven will be like the ultimate Christmas- Surprises are the best and you have nothing to do but open stuff for you, with the prospect of being able to eat whatever you want whenever you want. Like, Sure Heaven will have will have a milkshake fountain…I’ve already ruined that surprise, by peaking, But I still don’t know which day of the week it will flow with strawberry banana and which day will be mango. That is what keeps me going in life. And that why when some one has an out of body experience- it is so indescribable. Not only is it amazing, but I’m am sure that Paul and Peter and all those other guys convince the formerly dead and now recently revived to keep it a secret- Don’t tell them about cookie dough mountain! I bet they are all like a 3-year-old girl, when they are playing hide and seek. Their held in giggles are so loud that even Jesus must be like “Guys seriously, I think a little more suspense will be good for everyone down there.

            But I like to Daydream of heaven. My time in life is spent like this. 5% imagining what heaven is like, and 95% trying my best not to go there. You know what the best part of heaven is? the front row view of hell- and of course the milkshake fountain will not be near because everything would melt. That is a step in the Hell direction. I’m sure that hell isn’t a violent or burning place. I’m sure when the devil picked an architect to design hell he picked the guy that invented pet peeves. Hell is a magical place where all of those annoyed thoughts you have come true.

            Oh Hell is great to watch. The door handles are on the same side as the hinges, in the grocery store there is nothing but vitamins that you should have taken in life, and the only shoppers there are people you have been trying to avoid your whole life

             Like when someone is driving slow in the fast lane? They will spend eternity driving around an LA summer in rush hour a 1997 Jetta that can’t go above 64 mph. The Jetta has no AC and only two radio stations (NPR and nickelback). The rest of the road is every exotic car imaginable and full of very big deuce bags who won't let you merge into a slower lane but insist on honking because they deserve to for some reason. Obviously all those DBags are eternally late for a Nickleback concert with an extra ticket to scalp away, because their plastic surgery addict girlfriend canceled last second because her girlfriend is having relationship issues and needs to be there for her.

Stand-Up Ideas

I am working on some Stand-Up Comedy. These are just 4 bits I have been writing. Please comment and let me know which was your favorite, and which needs work. Thanks

1) I am studying finance. One thing you need to know about the business school is that Internships are everything. I you get a bad internship; you had better not tell anyone about it. Telling your peers and friends about you bad internships is like a young woman introducing her boyfriend and he’s a totally ugly, pale, acne infested tool. You know exactly what her friends will be saying. They won’t even bother thinking it, it goes straight to words, “Where did you get him?” And that poor girl is so embarrassed, while her boyfriend is like, “Let’s go Jamie, we’ve got work to do. You are lucky that I even pay you to be with me. You had better be grateful for me. Without me you’d be nothing. Now go get me lunch and file this paperwork.” “Don’t disappoint me or I’ll tell every guy in the business.” If you get those jokes you really need to start hanging out with non-business majors. Frankly I find business to be the same jungle as dating. However it is easier to declare bankruptcy than it is to be better looking so point to business.

2) Failing to wave at the person who let you merge into their lane should be a felony; a misdemeanor at the very least. I say their lane because that is not only how everyone on this planet drives but because it is the truth. I am not just in this lane, I own it, and all that I can see in front of me and through my mirrors is not mine. If you would like to enter my long and winding kingdom, I expect you to blinker, no blink. To all the jerks who feel that spending 10,000 to make you Honda go a bit faster gives you a passport to enter and leave the Lane states as you please, you are sorely mistaken. And believe you me; my middle finger will and car horn enforces border restrictions.

3) Ordering food from a place you have never been is a chore. You know why? Because you only order the same thing. At new places there is no same thing. Here is a fun thing you can do at “new” places. Say ,“I’ll take the usual.” Obviously, they will respond by saying what is that? This is where you say, “bring me what you think my usual order would be.” And I hope you are in a drastic complaining mood for this. So when you waiter brings your food, claiming he is a racist cow. “How dare you think I am an old Asian woman? Miso soup and a spread of sushi. And you didn’t even bring Kim Chi!” Ironically Kim chi is Korean. There must be someone out there who is reading this who is thinking, my grandfather would kick the crap out of him right now. That person is either Asian, or his grandfather would be offended, or his grandfather fought in Japan, Korea, or Vietnam and has dementia and would go into a dream of being back in the war and go medieval on me. Or it could be both. This works well for any type of restaurant, and for any ethnicity. That is unless you are black and go to KFC. The nice thing about white people is that we have no good food. I can claim racism wherever I go. That is except for the wonder-bread factory.

4) I was recently had the pleasure of telling my mother that I was sick. I know, always a good time. Her response completely depends on her mood. Obviously if she is feeling good, she is insistent that you cancel plans, lie down and treat myself like a king, and make some chicken soup. Why is it always chicken soup? I would laugh so hard if the cure to cancer was chicken soup. Some doctor comes out and says, “A mother’s love and bowl of Campbell’s are essence a miracle drug. We have cured the common cold, cancer, boo boo’s, the broken heart, and road rage. Saltines are ironically the fastest way to dry your mouth out and give you constipation. But my Mom will tell me to be nice to myself.

Now if I catch her in a bad mood- I tell you what, there is nothing that makes me want to throw my covers off, blow my nose, clear the phlegm of a thousand sick days, and go run a marathon is my mother telling me I’m an idiot for being sick. “Why the Heck would you get sick? You know as a child you were always getting sick and you could have died if it wasn’t for me nursing you back to health” You know mom, I almost wish you hadn’t, that way we both would have been spared this conversation. Because I obviously planned to be sick in the middle of December, just long enough to hate the holidays.

This is why whenever I start feeling a little under the weather; I send my mom a box of chocolates. When I get a call or text from her saying that she got them, I just go to town. I don’t wash my hands. I stop bathing; I just do anything and everything to get sick. I go to the hospital and just walk down the halls. Many of you right now are thinking this guy is disgusting. Yes, but strategically planning for sickness is much better than a cold with an angry mother.

The Importance of Bumperstickers

While driving south on I-15, a typical light blue minivan pulled into the lane just ahead of me. There was nothing wrong with this, apart from the very minute frustration that I was being passed by a car that has less zest than a dried oatmeal. I would have been mad, but the patience of a kind mother helped me let it go. I did however notice a small red rectangle on bumper of this less than robust car. Ah Ha! By reading this bumper-sticker I can not only learn the life history of this person, but know enough to prove my preconceived verdict that this person is below me in virtually every conceivable way (especially in automobile choice (ps I drive a dark blue Toyota Corolla- let that add to the humor)). I started to speed ahead and found the words much smaller than was readable at a safe distance. Obviously, my one-way war of egos against this person is more crucial than the few hours I spent awake at drivers education classes. I continued to get closer. This was a byproduct I did enjoy, intimidating the minivan driver by tailgating. As soon as I reached the threshold of insanity (being about 2 feet, I noticed it said Chiefs. Wow, not only is there nothing pithy or funny I can make fun of them with, but they are a lot less... uncool? than their minivan permits. I guess my thunder was extinguished because I know nothing about professional football. So I guess my words of advice for today are; if you are going to have a bumper sticker please make it something mockable. Examples of this include references to Veganism, politics from 8+ years ago, or your pride in your honor student. And please if you are going to place the bumper sticker in a visible place, make sure that the lettering is large, so that judgmental people, like myself, aren't put into danger. Thank You

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSwJrMPeElxiBNyWx9xZVBEssisoQQgbC12KOPESOUVME8bpt4_

Friday in Art

I am considering becoming a professional photographer. I feel that I have a unique ability to capture the soul and emotion of a moment with a single picture. I don't consider myself to the greats like Da Vinci, or Van Gogh. I would however say that I could give some tips to Michaelangelo and Manet and Monet. Don't get me wrong, they have plenty of raw talent. I simply think I could help them make a few adjustments to help them become truly great

I have included a few examples of my work- please enjoy. 

Yodeling and Yawning

Davis Esplin

This is a personal favorite of mine. Partially because I am the person on the left. It intrigues me. Are we yawning? Are we scrutinizing the long oppressive, capitalist oligarchs demonstrated by the 15th century sculpture between us? Or are we yodeling to demonstrate a foreign satire, an outsider mocking our social infrastructure which is hyper-egotistical? Let the art take hold of your soul.

Notice the poor lighting and the badly angle frame of the picture. This was totally intentional. It represents the skew in even the most firm of view points. Trust me, I understand this work of art perfectly

Here is another piece. I hate this one. But I can't look away.

Smiles in a Dark Cathedral

This picture is so ugly it is beautiful. My friend cameron and I are admiring candles, when I had another friend surprise us with a photo. This picture represents a hatred of candles and fire. I don't really know why but I guess that is just how great works of art are. True art cannot be understood; but I'm getting close. Notice the random arm on the right side of this work. This was not planned and is meant to demonstrate how one's own volition is futile against a dark system, which only offers minimal relief, represented by candles.

I think I'm not the best, but getting there. Please let me know what you think

I'll have more for my adoring fans soon.

This is a SATIRE

I don't understand much of news. Issues: social, economic, political, and global all escape my understanding. I have however become quite talented at saying "Interesting, I didn't know people would react that way..." and other such neutrally agreeable statements. Which is why I thought to write a Satire on such strong political statements- 

BECAUSE I CAN'T RELATE.

satire |ˈsaˌtīr| - noun

the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

Here we go-

I don’t think women belong in certain (Most) careers. Business for instance. The Glass Ceiling is a great thing- because all those guys ride that hot metaphorical air balloon, we call the EGO, all the way until they burn up in the sun of alcoholism. No wonder icarus was a guy- Have you ever heard of a woman abusing the power of flight? Emilia Earhart doesn’t count; those leather pants were tight but wether she was female is still up for debate. Wow mocking a dead american hero- but only a woman would stop and ask for directions mid flight over the ocean. Women also don’t belong in comedy (The Jokes and the Industry). Back to the original point. Women don’t belong in business because they have souls. Let’s save as many of that type of human being as possible. Endangered species, they are. We don't send pandas into war- we put them behind bars at a zoo to keep them safe and visible for all elementary school field trips to see. So to sum up my point- I really don't know much about anything. And I firmly believe that. And you can't tell me I'm wrong because this is my opinion. And because I thought it means it must be correct, or else I'll be offended and blame you.

I don't mean to criticize other's or mock them for stupidity- I don't enjoy that. 

Once again, this a Satire, to help us (mostly me) introspectively look at how we think...or think about how we think...or think about what manner we think about our thoughts.
 If you are offended by this please let me know if you didn't like this- I'll make it up to you. This is a joke with the sole purpose of being funny, not to make a statement.