Adam’s Song - Essay
I hear this song for the first time when I was eleven years
old, living with my family abroad. I didn’t know what punk was (which is the
genre this song stems from) but it stuck with me from the first time I heard
it. This song is what I would consider a tangible manifestation of sadness. It
explores the emotion as a stream of consciousness explaining the metaphoric
feeling of hitting the bottom and the painful slow climb out. I think the
lyrics themselves explain better than I ever could. Please Enjoy.
Lyrics in red are an explanation of the mondegreens (didn’t
know that word until now) or misheard lyrics, the lyrics I heard when I
listened to this song for the first time in 2001, as a young kid. I love this song. Even if you don't read this, please listen to the song.
Music & Lyrics by Mark Hoppus
Verse 1:
I never thought I’d
die alone
An alarming way to begin. An indirect signal that the
speaker is going to die, and has known long enough to muse over the prospect.
It also notes that the only unexpected, unstudied part of the proposition is
loneliness. Being alone is more a recent occurrence, and catches the speaker
off guard in what can be speculated to be minutes to the eclipse of his (I’ve
assumed a male, considering the writer/singer is male) life.
I laughed the
loudest, who’d have known
Heavier meaning is derived from the second phrase. But what
does he mean in the question?
1. Is he asking a legitimate question? Would anyone have
guessed that he did have a sense of humor? Was his laughter noticed/valued?
2. Or is it rhetorical, has he sentenced himself to a
reality where no one cared about him, even when he was laughing, at his
happiest, his most accessible self?
I traced the chord
back to the wall. No wonder it was never plugged in at all
Why a random memory? I think, consciously, he the speaker is
at his end, and is simply mulling over life. Other memories will be brought up
later in the song, in similar fashion. They are random, and not directly
connected to the flow of thoughts in the song. However, I would argue that
these thoughts are subconsciously brought forward into his extreme stream of
consciousness because they work as a metaphor for the speaker’s state of mind
at the end of his life. This particular memory connects to his impending post
mortem. Much like a lamp, amp, or other appliance that never seamed to work, he
is a disappointed from the moment he was pulled out of the box and set up. So,
was it his fault? Who’s to blame for a malfunctioning piece of humanity?
Potentially, user error. Did society never ‘plug him in’? Was he doomed to fail
simply because he never got the chance to work. Or is the item in question a
tool he would use to succeed. A tool that, had it worked, would have opened a
happy world to the speaker. But, through innocent forgetfulness, he doomed
himself by neglecting the power chord. Either way, lack of power prevented
I took my time. I
hurried up. The choice was mine I didn’t think enough
A genius and humbling reference to 90’s Grunge Rock Kings
Nirvana, and their song “Come As You Are”. The name of the song in and of
itself carries the meaning that the speaker followed this creed. The speaker,
like Hoppus the author of the song, was a child of the Nineties, and became
jaded and alone under the direction of the despondent “Nevermind” trio.
Being told to slow down, then to speed up, the speaker is
being pulled in so many directions. Like and adolescent, the speaker is pulled
in so many directions. Confusion has set in, which has made Nirvana all the
more prophetic. They understood how the teens felt, confused, hopeless and
jaded. However, they, at no time in their career did they offer a resolution to
the generational confusion.
Can we blame Nirvana for stealing the hope of so many? Or
was Nirvana predicting that the youth of our nation, like the speaker, would
fail simply because they were destined to, being pulled so many directions?
Regardless, in the end, the speaker didn’t think enough regardless of time.
Perhaps they spent too much time listening to all the noise and didn’t find
truth and ponder over it- be emotional, mental, or spiritual. Even if the rest
of his life contained enough time to find the answers to these questions, it
would not and could not make up for the wrong choice, and ending up with
nothing.
I’m too depressed to
go on - You’ll be sorry when I’m gone
An official declaration of surrender, due to emotional
trauma. Simple, Short, Final. Instead of some convoluted (and subsequently
diluted) melodramatic, our speaker acknowledges his own situation. He is
exhausted, not over-the-top. Backed up against the wall by self-defeat. A
threat. A loose connection back to the line “I laughed the loudest. Who’d have
known?” No one cared about who the speaker was in life. His only way of
creating significance is by way of mortal punctuation.
Chorus 1:
I never conquered
rarely came
This is a reference to “Veni Vidi Vici” (I came, I saw I
conquered), supposedly spoken by Julius Caesar after his swift victory over
Pharneces II of Pontus at the battle of Zela. Our speaker most likely knows
little of Roman history. He simply has heard of the phrase, and uses it as a
clever line to juxtapose himself against one of the most well known, and
successful leaders in history. One overcame and wrote himself into history. The
other couldn’t handle step one, and is about fade back into the blackness,
which has already filled his interior.
Sixteen just held
such better days. Days when I still felt alive. We couldn’t wait to get outside
In all our speaker’s musings, he enters into a state of
nostalgia. Proof that life was once worth living at a younger more innocent
age. “Can’t wait to get outside” referring to that younger age, even earlier
than sixteen. An age where the world was
still filled with wonder and happiness was abundant. There was no heartache as
a child, and even if there was, memory had scrubbed it all out of his mind.
Outside - The world
was wide, too late to try
The world worth living in suddenly collapses as soon as it
is open “wide”. It is too late now to go back there.
The tour was over
we’d survived
This is an actual reference to Hoppus’s difficult time on
the 1997 Vans Warped Tour. He describes being the only member of the band
without a significant other, and a grueling nine months of straight touring. He
makes life a tour of existence, where he is not an active player, and the guide
is false hope. In this metaphor he is simply being shown what is out there, and
his actions add no meaning or value. It is not conquered, simply survived for an
undetermined amount of time, and his is soon to be completed.
I couldn’t wait, till
I got home, To pass the time in my room alone
Previously he couldn’t wait to get outside. Now he can’t
wait to get back inside. The world has been abrasive, now he wishes to be
concealed in the one safe place left on earth, home. There he will pass the
time, alluding to an eventual action, that being his own death.
Verse 2:
I never thought I’d
die alone
The opening verse line is repeated to affirm his resolve of
his own despair and decision to end his life.
Another six months
I’ll be unknown. Give all my tings to all my friends.
The next four lines are his will. He first addresses his friends.
Perhaps they are remnants of the mentioned ‘days of sixteen’ when life was
good. But where are they now? It almost seems like his friends have failed him,
and to close off ties with them, they are to be given a parting token,
unspecified with no feeling. A symbol that he owes them nothing anymore. He can
go to his death with his affairs in order, having received nothing from the
world, except that which he has given back. This is reminiscent of the
Christian theme of ownership, that one cannot give anything to God which was
not a gift from him in the first place.
You’ll never set foot
in my room again. You’ll close it up. Board if off!
Next, he commands his final resting place to be kept if not
sacred, at least empty. Almost a way of saying “I know what you’ll do. After
I’m gone you’ll get rid of any trace of me. Well go ahead! Do it!” A feeling of
defiance toward those he will leave behind. This seems almost juvenile in a
way. If the world was so terrible, and no one mattered to him, why would he
care about what ‘they’ did with the remnants of his life after he is gone. He
must care, at least a little to take the time to address them.
Remember the time
that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall
The speaker suddenly changes topics from something as
important as his final affairs to a stain on the floor. Probably something no
one else would remember. It has some significance to him. Why, at the end of
your life would spend time mulling over something so insignificant? I feel
there are two reasons. First, this is how he feels. All he is and has been is a
stain on humanity. And that stain is the only permanent remnant he will leave behind.
What kind of hell would that be, to know that your short life’s legacy is a
filthy discoloration? All other remnants of the speaker’s existence will either
be dispersed to the ungrateful, or ‘buried with him in his room”. He
equivocates himself with a stain.
Secondly, I believe there is beauty in the insignificant.
And, in moments of strong emotion and concern, the mind can wonder through
memory to find meaning or even amusement. Here, he stumbled across a memory
that he and the reader supposedly share. He mentions it, acknowledging that he
had something of value, a memory, no matter how insignificant, that he can
share with another human being, a human being that meant something to him.
While he can’t take his ‘things’ with him, he can take a memory, something to
keep himself warm for his passing.
Please tell mom this
is not her fault
Frankly, I don’t feel comfortable writing about this line.
The pain that will be inflicted on the speaker’s mother and supposed reader
(assumed, seeing as her refers to her as ‘mom’ not ‘my mom’, the reader must be
a close family member) is far too tender, and I will say hallowed to dive into.
All I will say is that our reader acknowledges the degree of this pain. He does
not write to his mother directly. I contend that he cannot, he does not have
the strength to say goodbye to the person that matters most to him, and to whom
he matters most, his mother.
Chorus 2:
I never conquered when it came
Instead of seeing life a challenge
must be approached to conquer, here the words describe life as a single
opportunity that came and went without victory (and without “think[ing]
enough”). In this change of words, the difficulties of life will find you, and
cannot be avoided.
Sixteen just held
such better days. Days when I still
felt alive. We couldn’t wait to get Outside
(Same as previous chorus)
Outside- The world
was watching him to try
In this interpretation, as the
speaker is trying to ‘conquer when it came’ in the previous lines, the world
had him under a limelight. Part of his failure can be credited to the pressure
to succeed, and the fear of failure and judgment. He in a sense he thought too
much, and stumbled before he could succeed.
The drill was over we’d survived
Instead of a tour, life is a drill.
Of the many definitions of drill, my mind went to a fire drill. According to
the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, they are designed to “perfect facility and skill especially by regular practice”. As a child, fire drills and earthquake drills at school
scared me. However, their purpose was the opposite. It was to reduce fear in
the event of a real emergency, by helping us know what to do. Drills are meant
to keep you alive. They are also meant to be lived through because there is no
real danger. But in this interpretation, the fear is so real and so strong,
that there is no difference between the drill and the emergency. The fear
itself could have killed him. The fear, not the drill or real emergency was the
threat. Through all the deep thought and
clarity in previous lines, our speaker signals that he has lost the ability
differentiate between what is real and what is in his head. All previous
conjectures made by the speaker are unreliable.
I couldn’t wait till
I got home to pass the time in my room alone
(Same as previous chorus)
Chorus 3:
I never conquered
rarely came
(Same as previous chorus)
Tomorrow holds such
better days
This is the crux of the song. During the instrumental break,
he has had some experience, which has changed his outlook. Tone shifts from
despair to hope in this final act. Here, the alluded suicide is checked by the
affirmation of a tomorrow. And not just a tomorrow with the potential for
something good, but a statement that it will hold better days. Almost a promise
to himself that he can and will feel the same way he did when he was sixteen,
and the world was wide open for him. Hope will always be found, as long is
sought after. Hope will be found by those that seek it.
Finally, this explanation comes from the author directly. "The heart of
the song is about having hard times in your life, being depressed, and going
through a difficult period, but then finding the strength to go on and finding
a better place at the other side of that."
Days when I can still
feel alive. When I can’t wait to get outside
This line changes very subtly to from ‘could’ to ‘can’. It
is still possible to feel alive. Hope has transformed from a bygone idea to a
future energy, which stems anew from the beauty of the past represented by the
world outside.
Outside, The world
was wide, the time goes by. The tour was over I’d survived
As the world outside opens up again, the speaker almost says
that time is still going on. They deed has not been committed and I’m still
alive. Time can heal all wounds in a sense, or rather, pain is temporary (like
the ‘alluded to in the mondegreen portion of this essay).
And I can’t wait. Till
I get home
Even with the pain slowly subsiding and wounds beginning
healing, the speaker still expresses impatience. They haven’t changed completely
into a stronger person, but any progress is wonderful at the brink of giving up
completely.
To pass the time in
my room alone
And instead of ending it all, they will simply wait in their
room until the pain stops. Still a sign of immaturity, but no longer in
despair.
Hope will always be found, as long is sought after.
