For background, Tolstoy was a born into nobility. He served in the Russian army during the Crimean war. He was a devout Christian. His beliefs would become zealot-like in his twilight years. He would come to abhor private property, alienate himself from his own family and sacrifice his fortune to support a religious movement known as the Doukhobors. During this latter period in his life he would write Resurrection, his final novel, published in 1899.
'Resurrection' seems to mimic the transition in his beliefs. The plot focuses on a young Russian noble, Nekhlyudov, who trying to find redemption for his brief affair with Maslova, a young woman who's life as a result, would lead down a path to prostitution and eventually trial for murder.
While not the happiest tale ever told, the title of the work brings hope: Resurrection. The word is defined by Webster's Dictionary as "The rising again to life of all human dead before the final judgement." A physical change from dead to living. The spiritual form of this change is called 'redemption'. It is defined as 'the action of being saved from sin, error, or evil.' And it seems, the more fitting name for the story (as it has been set up thus far).
Despite religious beliefs or spiritual background, we are all human-beings. We are all fallible. Inherent in this imperfect nature we all have an inherent desire to repair mistakes, and overcome challenges. But real change is hard. And while you don't need a masterful piece of Russian literature to tell you, it requires patience. It takes time.
And most importantly it takes desire. Nothing exposes the core of a person quite like the honest realization and desire to change. And few songs capture this better than the subject of today's episode.
The song is "This is Gospel" from Panic at the Disco. It was released August 12, 2013 as the second single from the band's fourth Album "Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die!"
To be fully transparent, this episode was a challenge. Comparing the tales of redemption between that of Tolstoy and Panic at the Disco is quite the juxtaposition. But if we can all equate literary finesse with intense melodrama, I think the comparison works.
I would imagine the subject of the song fits into the same situation as the parabolic Prodigal Son. I am also going to assume that since this is an alt. rock jam, the song is focused on a failed romantic relationship.
This is Gospel for the fallen ones
Locked away in permanent slumber
Assembling their philosophies
From pieces of broken memories
Without love, our subject becomes like the Emo Kids of 2006, dead, but only metaphorically. And like the dead and emo population, he possesses nothing but time to brood. In doing so he, like Tolstoy's Nekhlyudov, mulls over the history of his life, learning what he did wrong and what he can do to undo the heartache. Melodrama at its finest.
Oh, This is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
Oh, This is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart
At first, I thought this was a meaningless filler line. And frankly, it probably is. But I never understood the phrase "benefit of the doubt" so I gave the lines another brief think. These lines are a strong yet subtle emphasis. "This is the beat of my heart" can be translated to "This is who I have become." While not free of all melodrama, it is a sincere declaration of change. "I want to be better."
But they haven't seen the best of us yet
As previously stated, the path of change is long and hard. It feels like the world is stacked against our subject (it wouldn't be a good story otherwise).
If you love me let me go
If you love me let me go
At first, I thought this was a demand to the former lover and object of this tale. But on a second take, it seemed almost self directed. It could be translated to "If I had any self respect, I would let the old me go." Another Christian euphemism to baptism, which itself is complex metaphor for death, rebirth and redemption.
'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars
The fear of falling apart
And truth be told, I never was yours
Simply put: the stronger the pain, the stronger the resolve to avoid it again.
The fear, the fear of falling apart
This line is genius. So much so, I was strongly tempted to do a mini-episode just on this one line. But the whole song was too good to pass up. Usually, fear is often a very specific thing: the fear of heights, the fear of speaking in public. There is a tangible situation and condition associated. Personally, I am claustrophobic. I avoid small spaces. Simple. But abstract fears are described in very vague terms. The fear of failure, for instance, is hard to pin down. What constitutes failure?
The line: 'the fear of falling apart' captures both the specific and vague. Falling apart is a very specific sensation, usually a complete loss of emotional and mental control. I imagine myself crying in the shower wearing a suit and tie and eating chocolate cake by the fistful, while Enya plays gently in the background. Only hypothetically of course. But behind this breakdown, there is so much more. Falling apart is only the first step. There is fear of the aftermath, the fear of embarrassment, the fear of being alone, the fear of never finding your way back, the fear of the fear of remaining broken. The fear of your dry-clearner not being able to repair your suit and the fear that your favorite bakery won't be able to fill your orders anymore because you can only reserve so many specialty dutch chocolate cakes in a week. With one simple phrase, an undefinable blackhole of fear is captured and opened right in front of us. And without the decision and dedication to change, we will not triumph over the fear.
Change is scary. Redemption is hard. Renewal is painful. But it is worth it.
Good luck out there. Thanks for reading
