Wednesday's Worrier: 10 Steps to Falling Apart

Welcome back to another edition and addition to the

WEDNESDAY WORRIER

My last post covered the song 'This is Gospel' by Panic at the Disco. A great song, but one line has been stuck in my head. This line, the final phrase of the Chorus - "The fear of falling apart" got me thinking. What is it like to "fall apart"? When have I "fallen apart". I mean they can only cancel Community so many times (never thought I would long to be back in a study group...)

After much thought and careful analysis of documents, photos and various social media posts from various stages of my life, I've been able to boil down the process of 'falling apart' into a very simple 10-step process by which the modern human being "falls apart". But why are we always talking about me? Let's talk about you. I know all about you. Your day was disappointing, wasn't it? Why? Let's find out

Your day begins after the fourth strike of the snooze button. Sure you've gotten up with enough time to get ready for work, school, whatever. And just enough extra time, maybe 20 extra minutes, to wander around your apartment thinking of some way to be productive.

Well first thing is first, you aren't going to get the workout in. That's ok. You'll stretch a little and that should take care of th- oh there you go, lying on the floor intending to do a couple sit-ups. But hey that's fine, check Instagram instead. That's a great way to Carpe the Diem.

You get to work late somehow. And of course the meeting started without you. As always, it was a super important meeting, just like every other meeting at 9:00am on a Wednesday. What happened to the passion for your work? What happened to the drive you had? What happened to the chicken tetrazzini you had in the fridge for lunch today? Oh wait, you ate it this morning as a snack.

Now, not only are you a one morning workout and a chicken tetrazzini behind on your fitness routine, but you are now going out to for lunch. Who else is going? Oh, it's that one weird guy from marketing who you can't seem to remember his name despite the fact that you email him at least twice a week for the budget reports. And of course Stacey from HR, who has a strong desire to start raising ferrets but just can't seem to bring herself to that level of commitment. You three are bound to have a thrilling conversation over a Fuji Apple Salad at Panera Bread. Your mind is split between the frustration that now your are over-budget on "eating out spending" this week and trying to correctly time sincere laughter at Stacey's story about, you guessed it, ferrets.

Back at your desk, more work. Great. The day is pretty much over. It wasn't horrible but that is precisely the point. It was purposeless. I was so boring you could have slept through the entirety of Wednesday, woken up Thursday morning and your life would have rolled on just the same as it always has. It was so uneventful that if you were accused of murder, you would not be able to account for your whereabouts at all. In-fact you are so bored with life, your subconscious mind would start making wild stories to try and convince you that actually committed murder just to get some form of entertainment out of the situation.

You put on your coat, grab your bag and head for the elevator. Your mind wanders as you reach the lobby of your office. The walls are beige, just like your life choices. Your begin to think about your childhood home. Saturday morning cartoons. Mr. Rogers. He was great, wasn't he? He always made you feel so great about yourself. He told you that you were a wonderful person, and always believed you could do great things. But wait, are you? No, not really. Then it hits you.

You aren't living up to the potential Mr. Rogers knew you had. The process of Falling Apart begins.

Step 1: The Poorly Timed Realization

The world has stopped turning. And despite the cars honking and whizzing around you, you can't move. You are Dumbstruck and dizzy When did my life get this way? How could you have let it go this far? What am I doing in the middle of the road? You finally reach the safety of the other side only to lean on a light-post for another 15 minutes. Just standing there, not knowing what to do or to say. People passing by notice. You look like you've seen a ghost. But it's worse, it's like the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future were on a tight schedule so all three came at once. Your balance slowly returns and you start on your way home. And amidst all this confusion, the corners of your mouth start to rise


Step 2: Uncontrollable Giggling

Wow, it's almost like a movie. And a second later, rain starts pouring down. No, it is a movie! Today could not get any worse. It is so bad that it is comically bad. Only a team of screen-writers could come up with this cacophony of bad timing. You start laughing to yourself in the rain. And you can't stop. It's hilarious. Your life is in shambles held together by a vacation you have planned 7 months from now and a surprisingly good credit score. All the way home parents change lanes so their kids don't see you laughing like a maniac to yourself in your car.


Step 3: Exhaustion

The laughter washes away as your reach your front door and all that weight you've been carrying in your soul has finally brought you to your knees. You are physically and emotionally drained. You don't even take off your shoes as you shed your coat and other items marking a path to the couch. You curl up in a ball in front of it. You are so tired you don't even have the strength to climb up onto the couch. And just before your eyes shut, you notice that your front door is wide open.


Step 4: Confusion

You awake in a pool of sweat and panic. What time is it? Where am I? Am I sure Ringo is my favorite Beatle? It's dark out and you think you slept all the way into early Thursday morning.  Have I wasted my entire evening? You had plans to clean the kitchen (if you felt like it). How are you ever supposed to get enough sleep to be fully rested for tomorrow?

Note: Most people suffering in Step 4 describe it as "You feel like the placeholder just slipped out of the Book of Your Life and fell into the narrow space between the fridge and counter". 

Your life is in chaos and now you don't even know where to begin. And at that moment you accidentally knock over a box of instant rice. It goes everywhere. That's ok, you tell yourself, I'll just sweep it up. But you realize that you threw out the old broom. You were going to pick up a new on your way home. You wrote it down on your to do list. How could you have forgotten? You have failed yourself once again. Tears start to form in your left eye. Then in your right. And so begins the next step.


Step 5: Ugly Crying. Lots of Ugly Crying

Yup.


Step 6: Thirst

You've laughed and cried (and sweated) more in the last 2 hours than you have in the past 2 months. Your mind is drained but so is your body. You need fluids. Wandering around your place, you start seeing mirages of cold and crisp ginger ale in tall frosty glasses. You waste valuable time and energy chasing after them until you reach the fridge. Nothing. Nothing but an empty Brita pitcher which now you have to fill and wait to filter. Why is the universe so cruel!? For a half second you consider putting it back in the fridge to let it cool, like a normal person. For a quarter of a second you consider grabbing a cup to drink out of, like a proper human being. But you are none of these things anymore. You have become a savage. You bring that spout up to your lips and drink straight from the pitcher.

Note: You won't remember this until you have dinner guests sitting at your table Saturday evening when you are pouring them a drink only to realize you have not washed it. What they don't know... well they don't know.

Note: Steps 5 and 6 can mesh together or form a cycle of one following the other for 3 - 5 stretches. Don't be alarmed this is completely normal.


Step 7: Burning Resolve

Freshly hydrated, adrenaline begins to burn through your veins down to your heart. You can fix this. You can turn your life around. Not can, WILL! You will turn your life around. Just like those motivational speech CD's your aunt gave you for Christmas, you are oblivious to the subtle hints life has for you, and there ain't no stopping you now! You are going to get in shape, Great Shape! You are going to learn Italian, Sei praticamente fluente! All you need now is a plan.


Step 8: Scheming 

You dig up the old paper planner that came with the motivational CD's. It is from 2012, but dates and days of the week don't change so this will work perfectly. You begin planning every aspect of your life. Plans have goals. Goals have plans. Back-up plans have back-up plans have back-up plans. And if you stay in step (which, how could you not with a resolve-of-steel like yours) you can plan your day down to the minute. It's perfect! It's genius! It's bringing me an odd sense of deja vu, but never mind that. But wait...hold on a second.


Step 9: The Fatal Flaw

You've over planned your life again. Haven't you? No schedule is that good. And in a quite literal puff of smoke, it will all go up sounding like this;

"That can't be right? A flaw? In the plan? One fatal flaw? No, no it can't be. Spin class was Tuesday evening, but that's at the same time as the improv club I wanted to join. That's ok, I can move it to Thursday, but wait, I promised Stacey I'd start volunteering at the animal shelter that day. Oh no, it's all falling apart! My life is over! Wasted! All gone! The cosmic horror is upon us all our heads!"

You will end up tearing your planner in half and sprinkling the shredded bits around the room. This , normally, would be a pretty impressive feat of strength considering it is half the size of a phone-book but you won't notice because "It's all over!" Your plans won't hold water and any attempt to change your life is futile and fatal. It's all over.


Step 10: Last Meal

Well, you had a good run. Sure, you made some mistakes, but it wasn't all that bad. And in retrospect, you can even laugh at some of it. And now here you sit, wearing an old Halloween costume, sitting in bed eating some obscure flavor of Halo Top, you don't even remember what it is, using Doritos as a spoon. You are watching Castaway on your laptop and this time you get it, your really get it. Wilson!

And now you fall asleep to never wake again. Just float into a blissful oblivion of cool-ranch induced dreams.  "Goodbye cruel world, I'll remember you, not as you were, but as I wished you were, like an episode of Community, where I was Jeff Winger leading a lovable band of misfits through the hijinks of community college life. Goodby-"

Thursday

You are awake. And what? It's 6:00am. You feel great. You get up, exercise, make it out the door on time for a stupendous day at work. You love your job and can't imagine giving it up for the world. Wow, Thursday was such a great day! All the while Wednesday remains a vague memory in the back of your mind. So why do you have the urge to watch college volleyball?


Thanks for reading, good luck out there