I steal pens. I'll admit that. At a coworker's desk, making edits on something that will ultimately not be needed or looked at. I'll grab one of their pens to make a note and walk off in a malaise of absent-minded theft. Not to far down the hall, I reach a distance I refer to as the PoFR - Point of Foolish Return. This is the physiological distance where the level of embarrassment felt upon returning the pen begins to outweigh the moral regard held for another's property. Thus, I have gone too far to walk back and return the pen. I will continue on my way as if nothing happened.
The reverse is quite the opposite. When that same coworker walks off with one of my pens, they've immediately become a thief in my eyes. And it will take some time to either forget their offense or use my imagination to craft an elaborate revenge heist using nothing but office supplies.
This is a loop. Pens pass between desks like electrical pulses in the brain carried by unfeeling neurotransmitters. Here I have trapped myself in a downward cycle: I am either furious at another's simple mistake or indifferent to my own. What once was "just a pen man, relax!" becomes a defamation of my existance and cause for one way war in my head. Why? I am right until I am wrong. And no one likes being wrong. Denial keeps us safe and perpetuates the problem. But what happens when we can no longer deny ourselves the truth? Let's ask Green Day.
The song is Redundant. The fourth track on Green Day's Nimrod and released as a single May 26, 1998. If you haven't heard this one, it is mostly likely that you were busy listening to its older brother; "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)".
For scientific purpose I decided to listen to the song. On loop. For 3 hours. It was a strange feeling, having appreciation and annoyance for something grow simultaneously in your mind. I want to focus on just the second chorus and verse (starting at 1:05).
Choreographed and lack of passion
I live most of my life in set procedure, all founded on my morning routine. And while I've never gotten any type of enjoyment out of brushing my teeth, I am still rattled when I cannot remember anything about the morning at the arrival of night. They go by. choreographed. And as the days reset, they too become a loop.
Prototypes of what we were
Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous
Now, if we can turn lathering and rinsing into a meaningless loop, what about love?
This song was written by frontman Billie Joe Armstrong in the wake of a rough marital period with his wife Adrienne Armstrong. In this light, these lyrics become something much more. In so many relationships things become stagnant. Passions neglected become passions eroded. As the gloss wears off, edges become jagged and mistakes become attacks. Be it with a lover, friend, roommate or whoever; emotions become tender. And the only words that make any sense are "I'm sick of this!". The loop of routine has figuratively made the soul ill and the symptoms are spreading.
Went full circle 'til I'm nauseous
Taken for granted now
I waste it, faked it, ate it, now I hate it
(Mondegreen Note: a mondegreen according to Wikipedia, "is a mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase... and in a way that gives it a new meaning. "When I originally heard this song I thought the words were: "Wasted, faded, hated, now I hate it" which I felt work just as well)
I love these lines. They reflect why I love punk so much. Call it whatever. Simple, clumsy, clever but most of all honest. No doubt. This guy is just that. A guy dealing with the same life looping problem we all have. And with these two lines, that loop narrows and tightens until it chokes. The disease is taking hold.
'Cause I cannot speak, I lost my voice
I'm speechless and redundant
'Cause I love you's not enough
I'm lost for words
The loop breaks to a horrifying realization. The one sentence in language that should mean more than anything: "I love you", now means nothing. Worse, it means nothing to the most important person in the world. And No, it is not yourself. And with these meaningless words, the disease claims another victim.
You've probably noticed, the melody and music video mimic the lyrics. They repeat. They loop. Just like we do. We walk in circles chanting plans to change. To be better. What kills our ambitions? Maybe it is that we don't truly have any. I don't believe that. Maybe we are lazy, scared. Why can't I simply overcome? I don't know. I've been searching for a solution, but always end up back where I started. Wish I had something to write that down with.
Thanks for reading. I hope you got something out of it.
Carpe Diem
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