Mint & Basil

At the dentist this morning I realized that no historian has ever offered a generally known and accepted answer to why we use Mint as the standard for a clean mouth. My guess would be that in 1787, a wise old gypsy healer in northern Romania was asked to help cure a young child's chronic pain from tooth decay. The healer turned to her cupboards only to find the only herb she had left was mint. And from old country, across the world, it spread and now is controlled by Unilever, Crest, and the other major toiletry brands which are in turn controlled by the Illuminati which are in turn controlled by the Screen Actors Guild.

But Imagine a world where that old healer grabbed Basil instead. The aftermath would have been disastrous for dental health across the world and the complete collapse of the  Italian cuisine industry. A world with no Olive Garden. Spaghetti Bolognese seasoned with mint...

I hate how hipsters made trying to look uncool in order to look cool seem cool, up until it became uncool again.

Tax Return Ideas

In the event you haven't already blown your tax return by now (it is June after all), here is an idea on what you can do with it

Invest.

Now I know what you are thinking - Stocks are stupid, Bitcoins aren't real and real estate is just dirt. How about non-traditional investing. For instance, my newest plan is invest in medium sized carpets, large black plastic garbage bags and red food coloring. Simply spill the coloring onto the rug, wrap it in the plastic bag and make sure just a little of the red is dripping out when you carry it down your stairwell. Do this once a month on the full moon and make sure you make eye contact but offer no explanation to anyone who you come across while doing it. Now, stop paying rent for four months and one day, abandon the place along with all your stuff. No one will ask question and you will have saved on four months rent (minus supplies).

Dear Pizza Delivery Guy,

After realizing I own a bathroom scale, I owe you an apology, instead of you owing me 12 garlic knots.

Respect,

The guy that lives at 325 West 26 Street

Prosopagnosia Pt.1

Sometimes I seriously consider whether I suffer from Face Blindness. This was suggested to me after an odd encounter with who I thought was an ex-girlfriend. Walking around my Universities campus, I saw a light haired woman, roughly 5'6" and in a bad mood. I thought to myself, "Hey, isn't that Samantha?" Names have been changed to protect me. There is a reason we aren't dating anymore. Long story short: I let her insanity get between us. Hyperbole, but not really. Anyway, I thought I saw her in the main square but I wasn't sure. Out of sheer bewildered confusion, I ended up staring at her for what must have been 30 seconds. Eventually, her Feminine Extrasensory Creep Detection Signal (also known as FECDS, not found on medicinenet.com) went off and she turned to see me staring at her. She, clearly fazed (less by my smokey blue eyes and more by my stupefied look) resumed her jaunt, quickening her pace, all the while staring back at me with the same confused face I had presented her with a healthy dose of revulsion included. It wasn't her. Shocker. Ordinarily, I would need a good 8 days of hiding in my apartment and walking through scenarios where I could have saved face. But I was so dumfounded by my inability to recognize a face, I forgot all about my routine of wallowing in self pity. What had happened? Well I did a little research. Or rather, I typed words and phrases into the google search bar and the search engine found research by other people.

For those of you who, like myself, don't have an imagination to grasp this situation, please allow me to copy and paste what medicinenet.com told me  Prosopagnosia, otherwise known as Face Blindness, is the neurological condition where an individual has difficulty recognizing or differentiating faces. Usually caused by damage or abnormalities in the Fusiform Gyrus portion of the brain (as highlighted in the image below), this condition can render the individual unable to recognize even the most familiar of faces.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7e/Gray727_fusiform_gyrus.png

Initially, I was a little nervous. What if I can't recognize people? What if it gets worse? Then I realized, this is the excuse of a lifetime! I can ignore anyone I want, all I have to do is start explaining "my condition" to people and learn how to correctly pronounce prosopasno- posrop- prosopagnoti- I'll just go with Face Blindness. That large open world out there is no longer full of people I need to worry about. I'll update you all on how my Adventures in the land of  Proso- Face Blindness go.

Wednesday's Worrier: The Marriage Jar

Some pains in life simply just don't go away. They aren't meant to, at least for a while. This can be a beautiful thing which can humble us and make us see others and the world around us in a kinder light.

And sometimes there is nothing redemptive about it: It just sucks.

To embrace this, I've decided to get creative. I am a single. Yup. Male, college student, graduating soon. So, without fail, when my dating life becomes a conversation topic, the following sentence is uttered in one form or another-

"How is a great guy like you still single?"

1. Yup...don't you just love it?

And it is usually followed by something like

2. "I'm sure there is a girl out there for you somewhere! In fact, let me introduce you to this friend of mine. She's..."

First, On a scale that measures how awful something is, these sentences are on par with an infant vomiting on you while holding it. You can't get mad at them. Their intentions are more than kind, but you are now 'marked' with a bad taste in your mouth.
Second, it doesn't matter how amazing the female is you are trying to set me up with, the description will be less than flattering (Why is the go-to adjective "she's such a sweet girl"?).

I recently saw a "Swear Jar" in an office. The idea is to clean language by requiring anyone who curses to put a dollar into the jar. The money is then used to throw a party or buy something for everyone in the office. Not a terrible idea right? And it gave me an idea.

I'll start my own marriage jar. Every time the conversation of my unsuccessful dating life and or floundering quest to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with arrises, I'll put a dollar in my "Marriage Jar". What will I do with the money? I have no idea, but it is going to epic. At least better than my dating life is currently...and there goes the first dollar.

Top Ten: Things That Are Annoying When Other People Do Them

I hope that today's Top Ten List will open some eyes and help us all (at least those of us with important things to do) to live a more effective, creative, worthwhile life.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO THEM-

Because how dare you...

(All social media related items have been excluded to be placed in a separate list all their own)

10. Wasting Time Reading this blog- Ironic? Yes. True? Yes. Funny? We hope. Go do something more important- call your mom, read to a child. recycle...
9. When People drive slowly- To the young woman driving the blue chevy hatchback on the freeway today- just so you know- I know who you are, and I will find you, miss 239 WXQ. And also don't text and drive and expect your political bumper stickers to be respected. I'm no longer voting for Sanders, and no one else is either.
8. Whistling- for some reason, everyone endowed with this gift abuses it. And by abuse it I mean whistles an obscure 1960's show tune extremely loud in the office when it is a well known fact that 90% of the people in there are swamped with work.
7. Using the blender. Strawberry goodness is always preceded by the pain of going deaf. Why is it there has been no attempt at a silent blender? We put a man on the moon, computers in our hands, and Conan back on TV, we can certainly do other miracles.
6. Talking about being at the gym, at the gym (this includes cross-fit). Thanks for telling me about your cool workout routine bro... and crazy that it's arm day again already, huh? (The read to a child comment from earlier is targeted especially at these people because they could also use a little help with big words).
5. The multi-salad order at Chopt- I don't care if you were put in charge of grabbing lunch for your friends, we've all go places to be.
4. Linkedin endorsements- Yeah, I'm sure my grandma can back me on my corporate strategy skills. Speaking of which, I don't recall accepting a connection request from her.
3. The last slice of pizza taker. There is a special place in hell...
2. The "One more thing..." Text- As the conversation has ended, I'm beyond caring anymore. Please don't pull me back into a conversation which required all emotional energy to keep myself from stopping you mid-sentence and mocking everything you hold dear

And the first place winner is...

1. Quoting Comedy Movie Lines- "Yeah man, I saw Anchor Man too..." Good times...good times...