I hate how hipsters made trying to look uncool in order to look cool seem cool, up until it became uncool again.

Tax Return Ideas

In the event you haven't already blown your tax return by now (it is June after all), here is an idea on what you can do with it

Invest.

Now I know what you are thinking - Stocks are stupid, Bitcoins aren't real and real estate is just dirt. How about non-traditional investing. For instance, my newest plan is invest in medium sized carpets, large black plastic garbage bags and red food coloring. Simply spill the coloring onto the rug, wrap it in the plastic bag and make sure just a little of the red is dripping out when you carry it down your stairwell. Do this once a month on the full moon and make sure you make eye contact but offer no explanation to anyone who you come across while doing it. Now, stop paying rent for four months and one day, abandon the place along with all your stuff. No one will ask question and you will have saved on four months rent (minus supplies).

Dear Pizza Delivery Guy,

After realizing I own a bathroom scale, I owe you an apology, instead of you owing me 12 garlic knots.

Respect,

The guy that lives at 325 West 26 Street

Prosopagnosia Pt.1

Sometimes I seriously consider whether I suffer from Face Blindness. This was suggested to me after an odd encounter with who I thought was an ex-girlfriend. Walking around my Universities campus, I saw a light haired woman, roughly 5'6" and in a bad mood. I thought to myself, "Hey, isn't that Samantha?" Names have been changed to protect me. There is a reason we aren't dating anymore. Long story short: I let her insanity get between us. Hyperbole, but not really. Anyway, I thought I saw her in the main square but I wasn't sure. Out of sheer bewildered confusion, I ended up staring at her for what must have been 30 seconds. Eventually, her Feminine Extrasensory Creep Detection Signal (also known as FECDS, not found on medicinenet.com) went off and she turned to see me staring at her. She, clearly fazed (less by my smokey blue eyes and more by my stupefied look) resumed her jaunt, quickening her pace, all the while staring back at me with the same confused face I had presented her with a healthy dose of revulsion included. It wasn't her. Shocker. Ordinarily, I would need a good 8 days of hiding in my apartment and walking through scenarios where I could have saved face. But I was so dumfounded by my inability to recognize a face, I forgot all about my routine of wallowing in self pity. What had happened? Well I did a little research. Or rather, I typed words and phrases into the google search bar and the search engine found research by other people.

For those of you who, like myself, don't have an imagination to grasp this situation, please allow me to copy and paste what medicinenet.com told me  Prosopagnosia, otherwise known as Face Blindness, is the neurological condition where an individual has difficulty recognizing or differentiating faces. Usually caused by damage or abnormalities in the Fusiform Gyrus portion of the brain (as highlighted in the image below), this condition can render the individual unable to recognize even the most familiar of faces.

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/7e/Gray727_fusiform_gyrus.png

Initially, I was a little nervous. What if I can't recognize people? What if it gets worse? Then I realized, this is the excuse of a lifetime! I can ignore anyone I want, all I have to do is start explaining "my condition" to people and learn how to correctly pronounce prosopasno- posrop- prosopagnoti- I'll just go with Face Blindness. That large open world out there is no longer full of people I need to worry about. I'll update you all on how my Adventures in the land of  Proso- Face Blindness go.

Wednesday's Worrier: The Marriage Jar

Some pains in life simply just don't go away. They aren't meant to, at least for a while. This can be a beautiful thing which can humble us and make us see others and the world around us in a kinder light.

And sometimes there is nothing redemptive about it: It just sucks.

To embrace this, I've decided to get creative. I am a single. Yup. Male, college student, graduating soon. So, without fail, when my dating life becomes a conversation topic, the following sentence is uttered in one form or another-

"How is a great guy like you still single?"

1. Yup...don't you just love it?

And it is usually followed by something like

2. "I'm sure there is a girl out there for you somewhere! In fact, let me introduce you to this friend of mine. She's..."

First, On a scale that measures how awful something is, these sentences are on par with an infant vomiting on you while holding it. You can't get mad at them. Their intentions are more than kind, but you are now 'marked' with a bad taste in your mouth.
Second, it doesn't matter how amazing the female is you are trying to set me up with, the description will be less than flattering (Why is the go-to adjective "she's such a sweet girl"?).

I recently saw a "Swear Jar" in an office. The idea is to clean language by requiring anyone who curses to put a dollar into the jar. The money is then used to throw a party or buy something for everyone in the office. Not a terrible idea right? And it gave me an idea.

I'll start my own marriage jar. Every time the conversation of my unsuccessful dating life and or floundering quest to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with arrises, I'll put a dollar in my "Marriage Jar". What will I do with the money? I have no idea, but it is going to epic. At least better than my dating life is currently...and there goes the first dollar.

Top Ten: Things That Are Annoying When Other People Do Them

I hope that today's Top Ten List will open some eyes and help us all (at least those of us with important things to do) to live a more effective, creative, worthwhile life.

TOP TEN THINGS THAT ARE ANNOYING WHEN OTHER PEOPLE DO THEM-

Because how dare you...

(All social media related items have been excluded to be placed in a separate list all their own)

10. Wasting Time Reading this blog- Ironic? Yes. True? Yes. Funny? We hope. Go do something more important- call your mom, read to a child. recycle...
9. When People drive slowly- To the young woman driving the blue chevy hatchback on the freeway today- just so you know- I know who you are, and I will find you, miss 239 WXQ. And also don't text and drive and expect your political bumper stickers to be respected. I'm no longer voting for Sanders, and no one else is either.
8. Whistling- for some reason, everyone endowed with this gift abuses it. And by abuse it I mean whistles an obscure 1960's show tune extremely loud in the office when it is a well known fact that 90% of the people in there are swamped with work.
7. Using the blender. Strawberry goodness is always preceded by the pain of going deaf. Why is it there has been no attempt at a silent blender? We put a man on the moon, computers in our hands, and Conan back on TV, we can certainly do other miracles.
6. Talking about being at the gym, at the gym (this includes cross-fit). Thanks for telling me about your cool workout routine bro... and crazy that it's arm day again already, huh? (The read to a child comment from earlier is targeted especially at these people because they could also use a little help with big words).
5. The multi-salad order at Chopt- I don't care if you were put in charge of grabbing lunch for your friends, we've all go places to be.
4. Linkedin endorsements- Yeah, I'm sure my grandma can back me on my corporate strategy skills. Speaking of which, I don't recall accepting a connection request from her.
3. The last slice of pizza taker. There is a special place in hell...
2. The "One more thing..." Text- As the conversation has ended, I'm beyond caring anymore. Please don't pull me back into a conversation which required all emotional energy to keep myself from stopping you mid-sentence and mocking everything you hold dear

And the first place winner is...

1. Quoting Comedy Movie Lines- "Yeah man, I saw Anchor Man too..." Good times...good times...

Adam's Song Essay

Adam’s Song - Essay

 

Site: https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTIIvLqAKeuxzKOKkJwxR-VywLUi1iVvfLXLK_cPalLzhoWbI0jbA

I hear this song for the first time when I was eleven years old, living with my family abroad. I didn’t know what punk was (which is the genre this song stems from) but it stuck with me from the first time I heard it. This song is what I would consider a tangible manifestation of sadness. It explores the emotion as a stream of consciousness explaining the metaphoric feeling of hitting the bottom and the painful slow climb out. I think the lyrics themselves explain better than I ever could. Please Enjoy.

Lyrics in red are an explanation of the mondegreens (didn’t know that word until now) or misheard lyrics, the lyrics I heard when I listened to this song for the first time in 2001, as a young kid. I love this song. Even if you don't read this, please listen to the song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MRdtXWcgIw

Music & Lyrics by Mark Hoppus

Verse 1:

I never thought I’d die alone

An alarming way to begin. An indirect signal that the speaker is going to die, and has known long enough to muse over the prospect. It also notes that the only unexpected, unstudied part of the proposition is loneliness. Being alone is more a recent occurrence, and catches the speaker off guard in what can be speculated to be minutes to the eclipse of his (I’ve assumed a male, considering the writer/singer is male) life.

I laughed the loudest, who’d have known

Heavier meaning is derived from the second phrase. But what does he mean in the question?

1. Is he asking a legitimate question? Would anyone have guessed that he did have a sense of humor? Was his laughter noticed/valued?

2. Or is it rhetorical, has he sentenced himself to a reality where no one cared about him, even when he was laughing, at his happiest, his most accessible self?

I traced the chord back to the wall. No wonder it was never plugged in at all

Why a random memory? I think, consciously, he the speaker is at his end, and is simply mulling over life. Other memories will be brought up later in the song, in similar fashion. They are random, and not directly connected to the flow of thoughts in the song. However, I would argue that these thoughts are subconsciously brought forward into his extreme stream of consciousness because they work as a metaphor for the speaker’s state of mind at the end of his life. This particular memory connects to his impending post mortem. Much like a lamp, amp, or other appliance that never seamed to work, he is a disappointed from the moment he was pulled out of the box and set up. So, was it his fault? Who’s to blame for a malfunctioning piece of humanity? Potentially, user error. Did society never ‘plug him in’? Was he doomed to fail simply because he never got the chance to work. Or is the item in question a tool he would use to succeed. A tool that, had it worked, would have opened a happy world to the speaker. But, through innocent forgetfulness, he doomed himself by neglecting the power chord. Either way, lack of power prevented

I took my time. I hurried up. The choice was mine I didn’t think enough

A genius and humbling reference to 90’s Grunge Rock Kings Nirvana, and their song “Come As You Are”. The name of the song in and of itself carries the meaning that the speaker followed this creed. The speaker, like Hoppus the author of the song, was a child of the Nineties, and became jaded and alone under the direction of the despondent “Nevermind” trio.

Being told to slow down, then to speed up, the speaker is being pulled in so many directions. Like and adolescent, the speaker is pulled in so many directions. Confusion has set in, which has made Nirvana all the more prophetic. They understood how the teens felt, confused, hopeless and jaded. However, they, at no time in their career did they offer a resolution to the generational confusion.

Can we blame Nirvana for stealing the hope of so many? Or was Nirvana predicting that the youth of our nation, like the speaker, would fail simply because they were destined to, being pulled so many directions? Regardless, in the end, the speaker didn’t think enough regardless of time. Perhaps they spent too much time listening to all the noise and didn’t find truth and ponder over it- be emotional, mental, or spiritual. Even if the rest of his life contained enough time to find the answers to these questions, it would not and could not make up for the wrong choice, and ending up with nothing.

I’m too depressed to go on - You’ll be sorry when I’m gone

An official declaration of surrender, due to emotional trauma. Simple, Short, Final. Instead of some convoluted (and subsequently diluted) melodramatic, our speaker acknowledges his own situation. He is exhausted, not over-the-top. Backed up against the wall by self-defeat. A threat. A loose connection back to the line “I laughed the loudest. Who’d have known?” No one cared about who the speaker was in life. His only way of creating significance is by way of mortal punctuation.

Chorus 1:

I never conquered rarely came

This is a reference to “Veni Vidi Vici” (I came, I saw I conquered), supposedly spoken by Julius Caesar after his swift victory over Pharneces II of Pontus at the battle of Zela. Our speaker most likely knows little of Roman history. He simply has heard of the phrase, and uses it as a clever line to juxtapose himself against one of the most well known, and successful leaders in history. One overcame and wrote himself into history. The other couldn’t handle step one, and is about fade back into the blackness, which has already filled his interior.

Sixteen just held such better days. Days when I still felt alive. We couldn’t wait to get outside

In all our speaker’s musings, he enters into a state of nostalgia. Proof that life was once worth living at a younger more innocent age. “Can’t wait to get outside” referring to that younger age, even earlier than sixteen.  An age where the world was still filled with wonder and happiness was abundant. There was no heartache as a child, and even if there was, memory had scrubbed it all out of his mind.

Outside - The world was wide, too late to try

The world worth living in suddenly collapses as soon as it is open “wide”. It is too late now to go back there.

The tour was over we’d survived

This is an actual reference to Hoppus’s difficult time on the 1997 Vans Warped Tour. He describes being the only member of the band without a significant other, and a grueling nine months of straight touring. He makes life a tour of existence, where he is not an active player, and the guide is false hope. In this metaphor he is simply being shown what is out there, and his actions add no meaning or value. It is not conquered, simply survived for an undetermined amount of time, and his is soon to be completed.

I couldn’t wait, till I got home, To pass the time in my room alone 

Previously he couldn’t wait to get outside. Now he can’t wait to get back inside. The world has been abrasive, now he wishes to be concealed in the one safe place left on earth, home. There he will pass the time, alluding to an eventual action, that being his own death.

Verse 2:

I never thought I’d die alone 

The opening verse line is repeated to affirm his resolve of his own despair and decision to end his life.

Another six months I’ll be unknown. Give all my tings to all my friends.

The next four lines are his will. He first addresses his friends. Perhaps they are remnants of the mentioned ‘days of sixteen’ when life was good. But where are they now? It almost seems like his friends have failed him, and to close off ties with them, they are to be given a parting token, unspecified with no feeling. A symbol that he owes them nothing anymore. He can go to his death with his affairs in order, having received nothing from the world, except that which he has given back. This is reminiscent of the Christian theme of ownership, that one cannot give anything to God which was not a gift from him in the first place.

You’ll never set foot in my room again. You’ll close it up. Board if off!

Next, he commands his final resting place to be kept if not sacred, at least empty. Almost a way of saying “I know what you’ll do. After I’m gone you’ll get rid of any trace of me. Well go ahead! Do it!” A feeling of defiance toward those he will leave behind. This seems almost juvenile in a way. If the world was so terrible, and no one mattered to him, why would he care about what ‘they’ did with the remnants of his life after he is gone. He must care, at least a little to take the time to address them.

Remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall

The speaker suddenly changes topics from something as important as his final affairs to a stain on the floor. Probably something no one else would remember. It has some significance to him. Why, at the end of your life would spend time mulling over something so insignificant? I feel there are two reasons. First, this is how he feels. All he is and has been is a stain on humanity. And that stain is the only permanent remnant he will leave behind. What kind of hell would that be, to know that your short life’s legacy is a filthy discoloration? All other remnants of the speaker’s existence will either be dispersed to the ungrateful, or ‘buried with him in his room”. He equivocates himself with a stain.

Secondly, I believe there is beauty in the insignificant. And, in moments of strong emotion and concern, the mind can wonder through memory to find meaning or even amusement. Here, he stumbled across a memory that he and the reader supposedly share. He mentions it, acknowledging that he had something of value, a memory, no matter how insignificant, that he can share with another human being, a human being that meant something to him. While he can’t take his ‘things’ with him, he can take a memory, something to keep himself warm for his passing.

Please tell mom this is not her fault 

Frankly, I don’t feel comfortable writing about this line. The pain that will be inflicted on the speaker’s mother and supposed reader (assumed, seeing as her refers to her as ‘mom’ not ‘my mom’, the reader must be a close family member) is far too tender, and I will say hallowed to dive into. All I will say is that our reader acknowledges the degree of this pain. He does not write to his mother directly. I contend that he cannot, he does not have the strength to say goodbye to the person that matters most to him, and to whom he matters most, his mother.

Chorus 2:

I never conquered when it came

Instead of seeing life a challenge must be approached to conquer, here the words describe life as a single opportunity that came and went without victory (and without “think[ing] enough”). In this change of words, the difficulties of life will find you, and cannot be avoided.

Sixteen just held such better days. Days when I still felt alive. We couldn’t wait to get Outside 

(Same as previous chorus)

Outside- The world was watching him to try

In this interpretation, as the speaker is trying to ‘conquer when it came’ in the previous lines, the world had him under a limelight. Part of his failure can be credited to the pressure to succeed, and the fear of failure and judgment. He in a sense he thought too much, and stumbled before he could succeed.

The drill was over we’d survived

Instead of a tour, life is a drill. Of the many definitions of drill, my mind went to a fire drill. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, they are designed to “perfect facility and skill especially by regular practice”. As a child, fire drills and earthquake drills at school scared me. However, their purpose was the opposite. It was to reduce fear in the event of a real emergency, by helping us know what to do. Drills are meant to keep you alive. They are also meant to be lived through because there is no real danger. But in this interpretation, the fear is so real and so strong, that there is no difference between the drill and the emergency. The fear itself could have killed him. The fear, not the drill or real emergency was the threat.  Through all the deep thought and clarity in previous lines, our speaker signals that he has lost the ability differentiate between what is real and what is in his head. All previous conjectures made by the speaker are unreliable.

I couldn’t wait till I got home to pass the time in my room alone 

(Same as previous chorus)

Chorus 3:

I never conquered rarely came

(Same as previous chorus)

Tomorrow holds such better days 

This is the crux of the song. During the instrumental break, he has had some experience, which has changed his outlook. Tone shifts from despair to hope in this final act. Here, the alluded suicide is checked by the affirmation of a tomorrow. And not just a tomorrow with the potential for something good, but a statement that it will hold better days. Almost a promise to himself that he can and will feel the same way he did when he was sixteen, and the world was wide open for him. Hope will always be found, as long is sought after. Hope will be found by those that seek it.

Finally, this explanation comes from the author directly. "The heart of the song is about having hard times in your life, being depressed, and going through a difficult period, but then finding the strength to go on and finding a better place at the other side of that."

Days when I can still feel alive. When I can’t wait to get outside

This line changes very subtly to from ‘could’ to ‘can’. It is still possible to feel alive. Hope has transformed from a bygone idea to a future energy, which stems anew from the beauty of the past represented by the world outside.

Outside, The world was wide, the time goes by. The tour was over I’d survived

As the world outside opens up again, the speaker almost says that time is still going on. They deed has not been committed and I’m still alive. Time can heal all wounds in a sense, or rather, pain is temporary (like the ‘alluded to in the mondegreen portion of this essay).

And I can’t wait. Till I get home 

Even with the pain slowly subsiding and wounds beginning healing, the speaker still expresses impatience. They haven’t changed completely into a stronger person, but any progress is wonderful at the brink of giving up completely.

To pass the time in my room alone 

And instead of ending it all, they will simply wait in their room until the pain stops. Still a sign of immaturity, but no longer in despair.

Hope will always be found, as long is sought after.