More Micro-Comedy

Found myself listening to Michael Buble today. Apple Music charged me a $14.29 fee for violating the 'Buble Rule'. Provided the listener is NOT female, and single between the ages of 28 and 75, the listener is only allowed to listen to select Christmas songs by Mr. Buble between December 3rd and 27th. Not worth the fee, but "Haven't Met You Yet" is highly recommended

MicroComedy

There should be warnings on fingernail clippers.

[WARNING: May cause unnecessary pain when opening soda can] 

[WARNING: May destroy ties and other articles of clothing]

[WARNING: Will force you to adjust how you use your hands for the next two days]

MicroComedy: Idioms is awfully close to Idiots

Some Idioms in the english language just don't work for me like others do...

For example: "Put on a shirt and come outside." This can mean, "Put on clothes more presentable than what you are wearing."

For me, this is taken literally: "I'm going to need to put on pants too, after a shower."

I'll have my revenge, Jamie! I'm coming for you!

When you find yourself in an awkward conversation- Not awkward....what is the word

The "why am I still here, listening to this" Conversation (you are too busy to feel uncomfortable)

We've all been there. Forgot her name? Bad teeth? For once in your life "I'm in a hurry" is a legitimate excuse? Hemorrhoids acting up?

What we all seem to think that our behavior will end the conversation. After years of testing, I've finally come to the conclusion that the shuffling of feet really doesn't convey any sort of message, let alone one with the urgency you need.  What we need to change is our conversation, not our behavior.

Let me explain,

Jamie from Bio 202 doesn't realize that you don't know that "tool", Kevin, nor do you care to see his pic. he posted with ex from "that one party" on Friday. But don't you worry, she'll fill you in. She has already ruined your wednesday afternoon lab, and you NEED to get back to Netflix. And frankly, you've been more intrigued by that copy 'Diabetes Monthly' you picked up to keep your mind off the bunion surgery for which you are waiting.  The thought comes to mind, "Kevin probably is a tool anyway." So you should be glad he is mostly likely back with his ex who is as emotionally unstable as she is on that pair of heels she spent $346.25 on (at that really cool boutique on fifth and Smithson). They deserve each other as well as all the comically beautiful fights that will ensue in their relationship.

But Jamie keeps on talking talking talking, and yet ironically hasn't looked up from her phone.
Now is your time to strike: by changing the conversation you can kill not only this conversation, but all the chats which will most certainly come for the rest of the semester. Don't act awkward. The awkward is coming from Jamie, or Kevin, or whoever is still talking. It is all about subject, not action.

Here are some examples I've either tried or just entertain myself with them on a bad day, 

 This is where you can be creative. I encourage you to learn from my methods, and expand on them.

Method 1: We've all tried to comfort someone who is crying, haven't we?

This works best after good crying practice. I recommend watching any show focused on a hospital, and staying up really late for 2 nights and eating gummy bears (don't ask, it works). Then when Jamie complains about her cross-fit trainer, Saundra, you can just stop, stair into the distance and let a single tear slide down your cheek. She'll be caught off guard (Instagram has probably deleted her understanding of emotions, so for her understanding, you can compare how you feel to an emoticon).

But when she asks why you are crying, you need a good story. I usually stick with baby ducks. Simple. Easy. Classic. Say this "a baby duck got lost in my yard when I was a kid. I named it Saundra. My brother hit it with his car." (Pause for 4 seconds, or however long it takes to get another tear or two in), then whisper "Life is a dark place." At this point you will be tempted put your head down and fake cry: DON'T. If you do she'll try and comfort you- bad mistake. If she attempts to comfort you that is on giant leap toward actually becoming friends! You'll be sucked down that whirlpool where there is no return. Don't let her make eye contact either or she will for sure  feel obligated to follow you on twitter and you will now be forced to see her posts with Kevin and Saundra and her other #BFFS #hotstuff. Just keep staring into the distance and do not acknowledge her (or him, this could/should/would be a dude for all I know). AND DONE.

People don't like having conversations with the "emotionally unstable"(But aren't we all?!). However, the truth is that if you have the balls to pull off a stunt like that, you are, by definition, more sane than anyone on pinterest (it is true, read the terms of use- it's in there).

Method 2: No one likes toenail clippings.

Enough Said.

Method 3: Remember how  great aunt Gladys is such a hoot?

Neither did we, but Jamie doesn't know that, and science can't explain why she is still alive, right? Bring her into Bio 202 for an impromptu show and tell. Not only could you get extra credit for bringing in a prime example of tissue decay, but you can assume that Jamie would love to talk with aunt Gladys. Make sure that you introduce Jamie saying "Hey Aunt Gladys, this is Jamie, that girl I was telling you about, remember? of course you don't, she's the one that hates Ronald Reagan." Stand back, smile, and just watch the battle begin.

Note: This also applies for a history class. Just make sure that you bring her in for a chapter that aunt Gladys can recall well- I usually go with the Civil War. Just don't ask which side she was on. 

Here are three. Let me know what you think. 

Women

Here is another story...

It has taken 23 years but I think I have finally figured it out. The question,"Why are women always dissatisfied with the current temperature?"

The answer is simple really. I discovered it while on a car ride with a female friend of mine. It was cold in the car I will admit that. Our conversation had shifted from something current which is now insignificant to the events of her day. If frustration she told me about events which wouldn't normally bother anyone. However, things like class being canceled, were out of her control and had destroyed her plans of operation. Just then she simply leaned over and changed the air-conditioning knob to full heat. Without even acknowledging what she had done, she insulted the driver by taking control of the cockpit: the place where a man can feel powerful behind an engine which the capability of doing all the stunts seen in the borne films.

But then it hit me. She doesn't care about the temperature. The cool air would have felt great now that she is hot under the collar talking about her problems. She wants control. That is all women ever want when they change the car temperature or the AC in the apartment. All those "scientific studies" about a woman's body chemistry being different from a man's, just a wide-spread lie to give women another chance at controlling the little things. Notice how women will change the temperature up and down and back again? They are simply bored. They need control, especially of your attention.

I also believe this is explains the origin of the word 'woman'. In the beginning there was God. He created Adam. Adam was chilling in the Garden of eden with his animal friends. Things were lovely. All you can eat organic buffet, no illness, and not a care in the world. Then one day, another type of man came along. This creature was different. (In what way, if you don't know that why are you reading this?) To all the animals and plants and things, Adam was known as simply 'The Man, Adam'. But when this other man, [who women call Eve because it sounds more pleasant and they want control over naming rights (which is also why the usually get the last say on what to name a child)], came along, the animals would flee. They would scream something like, "Woah! the other man is coming!". The phrase was eventually shortened to simply, "Woah-Man!" Eventually, the animal population was almost entirely decimated, having been turned into fur coats, shoes, and high price sushi. Trees became shopping malls, and exclusive boutiques. The only thing left sacred in the garden was a lone apple tree, (which in fact held the power to give man the ability to understand right and wrong). Eve, as she was now known, felt that apples must be high in anti-toxins (or so the magazine said) so she would eat the apples. But first she would get adam to bite into one, because, yeah right she would eat an unripe apple. God, having been so disappointed  by Adam, for having gone with this so long, kicked him out.

The End

Another Bunch of Jokes

Thanks for reading, 

A girl sitting near me in the food court just spent the last few minutes talking about how she gave up soda. She said she feels great. Ironically that is the way I feel when I drink soda. I am a religious person and I have seen faith help and change people for the better. However, respect and tolerance of others (which Ironically includes their beliefs) is a blessing to all, and is necessary for society to function. Which is why I write this post.

Vegans and Vegetarians- Please tone it down.

There are many religious fanatics who commit terrible crimes of humanity, and disturb society in general. All too often this extremely small minority is blown out of proportion.

Health Nuts on the other hand go uncontrolled and unmonitored. This is why I am convinced the NSA should begin watching any and every person who has made a financial transaction at whole foods.

If potted herbs didn’t cost so much, maybe the dread-locked peoples walking in could afford soap.

Whole foods has the greatest business strategy ever. Price is inversely proportional to the amount the average person knows about the item. Something like bread starts at like what 8 bucks? Ya it’s bread, but you aren’t trash, you are paying for all 14 grains, only two of which are native to north America, and one which only grows on a small valley in southern Peru, and can only be harvested by the local tribes matriarchal leader, who then financial supports the rest of the tribe. And trust me on this one, it is on the label. I don’t even go into whole foods to buy. The labels are their packaging (which is made from recycled organic plastic) are the best. They are the only labels that are more entertaining than potential side effects for weight loss products. You have to use your imagination.

I love the people that go into whole foods. The Neo-Hippy. They have two kinds. The kind which are…well kind, and the brand which are doing it simply because they want to be different in a better way. I love the first group. They simply like what they do and they do it. The other group seems to do everything they do simply to make me feel like I am dirt, which ironically is how their food tastes.

More Jokes

Ideas which my lead to longer bits

Why the nicknames of muscles are so depressing-

Obloquies-  Oh Bleak- because that’s how it feels every time I’m go to the gym. Why can’t they call them goals? “Hey Davis, your goals are looking great!” Or accomplishments, “Nice accomplishments!” I would start steroids immediately.

Lats sound like late to me. Like- it’s too late to save your body image now.

I make the mistake of wanting to be overly friendly at the store. It is hard to start a perky conversation with people in the yogurt aisle. But I still feel like I want to. I lean over to the clearly shut in woman who stopped taking care of herself years ago saying “generic huh, good choice. Greek yogurt isn’t worth the extra 12 cents.” And for once in her life, this deranged person has met someone stranger than her. And she thinks to herself, “Now I know how they feel, but I can’t explain it to them. I'll just have to tell the spiders under my skin. They usually enjoy stories like this.” And those spiders are probably like, "not again! she just goes on and on about those people she 'meets' at the store..."

I think I’m not going into the medical field. This is because I am not good with small talk. I would make the worst OBGYN. A normal person would be totally professional with the situation, and focus on the medical condition at hand. This woman is about to experience the most excruciating and beautiful experience of her life, and all I can think about is the chest burster scene from alien. I think birth is such a wonderful thing, and I would hate to ruin it with awkward small talk like, I turn to the couple and ask, “so how is your relationship going?” Not the time or the place.