More Comedy

Ideas for Stand-Up

Sure, heaven is going to be great. However, I don’t think it is necessary to daydream about heaven. You know? I feel like heaven will be like the ultimate Christmas- Surprises are the best and you have nothing to do but open stuff for you, with the prospect of being able to eat whatever you want whenever you want. Like, Sure Heaven will have will have a milkshake fountain…I’ve already ruined that surprise, by peaking, But I still don’t know which day of the week it will flow with strawberry banana and which day will be mango. That is what keeps me going in life. And that why when some one has an out of body experience- it is so indescribable. Not only is it amazing, but I’m am sure that Paul and Peter and all those other guys convince the formerly dead and now recently revived to keep it a secret- Don’t tell them about cookie dough mountain! I bet they are all like a 3-year-old girl, when they are playing hide and seek. Their held in giggles are so loud that even Jesus must be like “Guys seriously, I think a little more suspense will be good for everyone down there.

            But I like to Daydream of heaven. My time in life is spent like this. 5% imagining what heaven is like, and 95% trying my best not to go there. You know what the best part of heaven is? the front row view of hell- and of course the milkshake fountain will not be near because everything would melt. That is a step in the Hell direction. I’m sure that hell isn’t a violent or burning place. I’m sure when the devil picked an architect to design hell he picked the guy that invented pet peeves. Hell is a magical place where all of those annoyed thoughts you have come true.

            Oh Hell is great to watch. The door handles are on the same side as the hinges, in the grocery store there is nothing but vitamins that you should have taken in life, and the only shoppers there are people you have been trying to avoid your whole life

             Like when someone is driving slow in the fast lane? They will spend eternity driving around an LA summer in rush hour a 1997 Jetta that can’t go above 64 mph. The Jetta has no AC and only two radio stations (NPR and nickelback). The rest of the road is every exotic car imaginable and full of very big deuce bags who won't let you merge into a slower lane but insist on honking because they deserve to for some reason. Obviously all those DBags are eternally late for a Nickleback concert with an extra ticket to scalp away, because their plastic surgery addict girlfriend canceled last second because her girlfriend is having relationship issues and needs to be there for her.